ASK NATALIE/Picture Time03/05/08


Q: If the plural for man is men, and the plural for woman is women, then why isn't the plural for human humen?

A: The reason the plural of "human" is not "humen" is that "human" is primarily an adjective and not a noun. Adjectives don't typically have a plural form (although they do in other languages, like Spanish.)

You can use human as a noun, but in that case it is just ONE OF THOSE THINGS!! You know, like SHEEP/SHEEP.

I think this is the shortest Ask Natalie I've ever written. ONE FOR THE RECORD BOOKS.



So, I was just going through some pictures on my computer, and I found a couple that looked a lot like some comics that were posted recently.



This dog gets his shit all crammed in his maw sometimes.

His problem is the opposite of Charles'. Chester can't keep his business from getting in his mouth, Charles' shit is always hanging out all over the place.

Did you know that dog lips are called "flews"? NOW YOU DO!




I actually got a few emails from people when this comic went up, wondering about the bathroom and my inspiration for the comic, and wondering why a bathroom would be that small.

Well, I have no idea why a bathroom would be that small, but the inspiration for the comic was the fact that this tiny bathroom is MY BATHROOM! For the duration of our lease, at least. The best part of it, though, is the full-sized bathroom fan they put in this tiny tiny room. When you are in there with the door closed, and the fan on, it feels like you are going to get sucked through the ceiling, and it sounds like you are riding a rocket. We refer to it as the Rocket Bathroom, in fact.

I have a friend who lives a few blocks from me, and she also has a tiny little bathroom kinda like this one (only, instead of the tiny pie-shaped toilet and sink crammed in the corners, she has a regular toilet and a tiny tiny sink right up next to each other.) Bathrooms too small to stand in must have been the style in the early 1900s. I would be irritated by it, but there are other bathrooms in the house, so it is no biggie. Since it does not have an adverse effect on my preening, I just find it to be a charming feature.


In other news...

Mr. Drew has some new shirts up. This time, the shirts are being modeled by our pal, Chris the Red Fox, and ME. I'd never modeled a single shirt until now. My nearly catatonic levels of chilled-outness kinda work against me, as I am not nearly as animated as most of the Sharing Machine Spokemodel Team.

But, in the interest of getting shit done, I bit the bullet on this round. Commemorate the occasion by purchasing a fine shirt from my husband, show him these titties can fucking launch a fleet of (tshirt-laden) ships, for real for real.




Q: My boyfriend and I are getting ready to move into a place of our own, and we are pretty geeked. We want to get a pug, like very badly, but people we know that DON'T EVEN HAVE PUGS keep telling us how horrible they are! I personally (even though I haven't owned one myself) think they are pretty great. I figured you have a pretty good amount of firsthand knowledge about pugs, since you have a couple yourself- how great are they? What can we expect from a pug, in terms of odd behavior, even if we get one that is not the brightest pug in the litter (I still think even a dumb pug would be pretty cool)? Should I tell the naysayers to go spread their buzz kill-yness elsewhere?

A: Before you go jumping into getting a dog, you need to ask yourself WHY you want to get a pug...

Just because you think they are cute or odd or weird or whatever is NOT a good reason. I have pugs because I took a look at my life, my activity level, how much I work, how much time I am willing to invest in a dog, how much money I am willing to invest in caring for a dog, and thought about what qualities were important to me in a dog. When I took everything into consideration, and compared different dog breeds to see which would suit my lifestyle the best, the dog breed that came closest to what I had in mind was the pug. If I had done my research and found that poodles would have suited me better, then Charles and Chester would have been poodles.

The reason for getting a purebred dog instead of a mutt is that, by meeting a breed standard, you'll have an idea of what kind of dog you're taking home. You need to avoid getting sucked into a certain breed because you have preconceived notions, taking home a dog that doesn't meet your needs at all, and both you and the dog ending up unhappy.

The other thing that I should mention, is that pugs are just dogs. The shape of their skull doesn't give them any mystical powers. No dog is inherently "great" right out the puppyhole. The greatness of your dog is proportional to how much time you spend socializing with it, training it, and taking care of it. I have met mutts who make my dogs look like chopped liver, and I have met show-quality dogs who are a lot shittier to be around than my pet-quality dogs.

All that being said, why do people keep telling you pugs are bad dogs to get? It is possible that they are just basing their statements on shitty pugs they have met. Alternately, they might be referring to the myriad health problems pugs are prone to, which are EXPENSIVE to treat, pop up all the time, and sometimes just kill your dog outright. Chester doesn't get sick very often, but he needed surgery when he was a puppy to open his nostrils up so he could breathe through them, and to trim his soft palate so that wouldn't interfere with his breathing. Charles hasn't needed surgery for anything, but he gets sick a few times a year, on top of regular dog-maintenance vet visits/vaccinations, etc. Let's just say, our vet is very happy we decided to get pugs (bling bling, etc.)

The reason Charles and, to a lesser extent, Chester, seem like they are weird or genius or whatever, is because they hang out with us all day long, and are totally used to looking at us and pretending to care what we're talking about, cause we just talk to them all day. If you guys are in school or working a lot, and the dog would be alone all the time, he would not be socialized in the same way. If we are away from the house for more than 4 or 5 hours, the dogs act up and shit on the floor and do bad stuff, and they are not cool at all.

Also, pugs shed more than any other animal I have ever seen in my life. I am not lying or exaggerating, if I had known that dogs were able to shed as much as these 2 dogs, I would have opted for a different breed. It is not cool at all, I spend hours and hours a month sweeping the floor.

I'm not trying to shit in your sandwich or anything, I am just trying to get you to look at pet ownership in a realitic way. Pugs live for a loooong time, I saw a NINETEEN year old one at some function recently, and 12-14 is average. That is a long time. These are super-needy dogs, and unless you have a ton of time and energy to devote to one for that long, you might want to consider something different, that is more independant and easier to take care of.

I would recommend someone else getting a pug as much as I would recommend them wearing my glasses. I like them fine, and they work out perfect for me, but if you get one without making sure they are an appropriate choice, getting one might be the worst idea ever. If you do your homework and pugs are the right dog for you, please make sure to get them from a good breeder or a breed rescue. That puppymill shit is depressing as hell, and pugs are so overbred as it is, getting a crappily bred one is like asking for it to drop dead.

You probably just wanted me to say OH WHATEVER, PUGS RULE ASS GET 6 OF EM!! But this is just something that I think is particularly important, and I thought I should clickclickclick about it for a second, since people ask me about pugs a whole lot.



Q: My guy and I have just recently decided that it might be fun to booze it up every once in a while. I like Vodka but I only know how to mix it with orange juice, or coke, or make white russians, he doesn't like any of those. We like smirnoff but we want something manly. Do you have any suggestions?

A: Honestly, I don't like drinking all that much. I'm not particularly fond of the taste of alcohol, and I usually only drink if my desire to get fucked up overpowers my dislike of alcohol taste (which is rare) or if I am in a stressful situation (like having to give a college lecture.)

That being said, I do have some drinks that I enjoy, because they are pretty stiff, but taste like a Snapple or something. I don't really have any recipes for you, because I usually just eyeball 'em based on how big the glass is. Anyway, here they are:

Juice and tequila: Tequila is my favorite kind of booze, and it is really good with juice! I like it with any kind of juice (except cranberry or tomato.) It is rad with lemonaid. Tequila shots are also pretty awesome, if you are wanting to end up under the table.

Framboise with a shot of blueberry vodka: Mmmm! Framboise is raspberry beer. You just get a glass of it and dump a shot of blueberry vodka in it. Fruity and stiff, just how I like my drinks.

Chambord and Champagne: Fancy! Just add a shot or two of Chambord to a glass of champagne. Don't buy a big bottle of champagne unless you are having friends over, cause the shit goes flat, and if you try to clear a bottle yourself, you'll wind up stumbling out the back seat of some Benz, flashing your vagina everywhere. They sell little bottles with just a glass or two in them, they are not as wasteful.

For some reason champagne gets me wrecked pretty fast. Once, I went to some Monet show at some art gallery, and I had two glasses of champagne, and I had to crawl home. I am a lightweight, but that really seemed like great returns for little drinking investment.

Gin and Pineapple Juice: Excellent, and a nice departure from screwdrivers. You can also get little 8 packs of single serving cans of pineapple juice, so you dont have to mess with a big sticky can of the shit in your fridge forever. I am usually not a proponent of single-serving shit, cause it is a lot of packaging, but some things you only buy to make drinks, and you shouldn't really drink 48 ounces of gin and pineapple, or drink every night until you do, capice?

Cans of pineapple juice are just so doo-doo and inconvenient.

Hopefully that helped you out a little... they are not the manliest drinks, and I know you wanted some manly drink ideas, but the only manly drinks are pretty much beer and scotch/whiskey straight. Mixed drinks are pretty much for people who are not man enough to drink their shit straight.


While we are on the topic of getting messed up, have any of you lady blogreaders noticed that the Pamprin Maximum Strength Multi-Symptom is waaaay effective? I don't know if it ACTUALLY works on that many symptoms, but it makes me trip balls so hard I forget I even have a vagina, so any symptoms are not a concern. I can't even take the shit unless I am miserable, and also about ready to go to bed anyway. I refer to taking it as "gettin' in the p-hole", cause it makes me feel like I am wrapped up in 2 feet of cotton batting, and all my responses are on a 5 second delay. That's with a regular, as-directed dose, I think you would stop breathing if you took more than that. Thank you, Chattem, Inc. You make a hella-fine product, even if it makes me fear it falling into the wrong hands.


Maybe I just need to start partying harder, so everything I drink or OTC med I take doesn't make me flip out.


Oh, hey, did you get a chance to check out the fresh new batch of tshirts at Married the the Sea?

I must say, there are few items of clothing that look as classy and stylish as a fine tshirt with a handsome illustration and tasteful caption. Luckily, you can select from a wide variety of these tshirts at the Married to the Sea store. Tell me I sent you!

Also, starting RIGHT NOW----> WE ARE ACCEPTING INTERNATIONAL ORDERS AGAIN! That means that everyone in the world can take advantage of our anemic dollar, and get gear for cheap!


Talk to y'all later!
Natalie Dee



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