A theory.08/13/06

So, a few months ago, I cleaned out my bookmarks and removed all the news sites I used to read. Reading the news all the time was really cutting into my feeling-good-about-humanity reserves, what with constant bad news about shitty people all the freaking time. Also, I was pretty tired about reading news blogs that would go into panics every single day about every single news item, like collectively hyperventilating would really do anything about the situation in the Middle East (or anywhere else for that matter.) So, no more internet news for me, I like to keep my crippling anxiety to a minimum.

Now when I am on the internet, I look at gossip blogs instead of news sites. I don't even watch TV or movies that often, or listen to pop music or any of that stuff, but I still read them. Where as before, my brain was teeming with images of tortured Iraqi prisoners and suffering children, I have now replaced about 60% of those images with ones of Fergie peeing her pants. I feel a lot better, it has worked out better than that one time I was on Zoloft.

The big thing on a lot of these sites is Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby. Everyone is very mad that they can't look at it. Very very mad. Some people are talking like maybe there is something wrong with it, or maybe it ran away already or something. I came up with my own theory.

I don't' think the baby ever existed at all. I don't think the baby ever existed because I think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are the same person.


Now look at this:

Uh-huh. Just think about it... You never see them in the same place, do you?



Q: I've been going out with my boyfriend for a little over two years now and we've been living together for a little over one year. We're still in college and I'm 21 and he's 23. So we're pretty serious about the relationship, but we're planning on getting married when we can afford such a thing.

We talk about kids and kid names and he wants to name our first son James. I don't have a problem with the actual name, but he is naming this kid after his father and grandfather, who are both alcoholic jerks. The name will not doom a boy to alcoholism, but I just don't feel like his dad and grandfather deserve to have anything named after them.

A: Well, first off, I think it is pretty silly to spend time fighting over what you are going to name your kids, when there are no kids in the picture at all to begin with. Secondly, even though you have been dating him for 2 years and I am sure that makes you feel like you are a permanent fixture in your boyfriend's life, you really don't have any right to badmouth his family. If your boyfriend is able to see good qualities in his father and grandfather, and would want to pass their name over to his own children despite any mistakes they made, then who are you to tell him otherwise?

The fact of the matter is, his family is his family, regardless of how you feel about it. Making this an issue is really inconsiderate, and making this an issue when it is totally inconsequential anyway is asinine. Quit disrespecting your boyfriend and his family, because it is really none of your business. If he can see beyond negative things that have happened in his life and wants to honor tradition by giving his children a name that has been in his family, it would be extremely shitty for you to try to disparage that tradition. But since you haven't really been dating long, and you don't even have any kids to begin with, it seems like you are just trying to invent things to fight about.

Q: If you've seen or heard of these "scene" or "emo" boys that wear girls jeans. They're generally worn pretty tight. It's kind of cute. I just wanted to know what your opinion was about these scenster boys.

A: I'm sure they are friendly or whatever, but I usually like guys who have too much going on to wear tight girls' pants, if you know what I mean wink wink.
Blogging about blogs08/11/06

Today, I was looking at the internet over breakfast, and I somehow stumbled upon someone's blog. I can not give you too many details about the blog, because it was written in Chinese or something. I am not trying to be ethnically insensitive or anything, I just do not know enough about Asian languages to tell you definitely what kind of characters they used.

ANYWAY, the point is, there was no reason for me to be looking at the blog. I couldn't read it in a million years, it was just a link I clicked. But then something caught my eye... pictures on the blog corresponded with other pictures that were in other posts in other, different blogs. EVEN BLOGGERS IN OTHER COUNTRIES BLOG THE SAME FUCKING STORIES THAT EVERY SINGLE BLOGGER IN THIS COUNTRY BLOGS. Everybody is interested in starting a blog, but nobody is interested in posting anything different. They all just want to repost the same shit that Boing Boing posted yesterday, then Boing Boing will repost that story again in 5 months, and the cycle continues.

The point of this post is a request for the internet people of the world- if you start a blog, try to put something interesting and different on it. I know it might seem really cool to have a blog. HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME!!! I AM PART OF THE NEW MEDIA!!! I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY!! CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT THE TWO FACED CAT!!

I think your time should be worth more than to spend all of it just rehashing every other blog you read. The word BLOG comes from the words WEB and LOG. You're supposed to log your travels through the web, not your travels through other people's blogs. Its not a blog log. I'm just saying. This is something that bugs me everyday.



Q: After my last real boyfriend and I broke up 2 years ago, I rebounded by sleeping with several guys who were mostly friends of friends. I think I'm ok with the fact I was with them to make myself feel better, and by now I've stopped whoring around.

My issue is that I am really angry about these guys not being any good in bed. Because they were so selfish and lacked any skills, sex seems totally pointless to me now-- hence the newfound celibacy. The last guy was a friend of mine, who said oral wasn't "in his repertoire," which happens to be the only thing I really enjoy. So why did I go ahead with the sex knowing I wouldn't enjoy it so many times? I'm just as pissed at myself for allowing things like that to happen. Is there a way to get over this rage without a therapist?

A: Guys you sleep with once are NEVER going to be that good. They don't know what you like, they have performance anxiety, and most dudes won't go down on some chick they don't know. Would you? Not to mention that most guys who have one night stands are just about getting rutty, not so much about sweeping you off your feet. If you want to have excellent, mind blowing sex, you would be better off having sex with someone you know a little better, and who you can talk to about what you are into.

If you are mad because you don't know why you kept sleeping with all those guys anyway, you might want to talk to someone, but if you are just mad about them being lousy in the sack, either reconsider what you expect from a one night stand, or only have sex with someone you are in a relationship with, since they are usually the only guys who care about the quality of your orgasms.

Q: I am sort of just writing to occupy my time for several minutes because Iwould rather eat glass than do four seconds of real, actual work for myshitface phoney boss. Honestly, every time he comes in my office it iseverything I can do to not grab the monitor off my desk and chuck it at hisbald, shiny little head. When he fake laughs and pretends to be interested in what I did last weekend and how my classes are going, I want to throw my hot coffee at his junk.

Anyway, that's beside the point. The point is, how do I make my shitface bossrespect me? He has my goddamn resume, he knows I'm not retarded, I don't screwup anything he tells me to do, but he treats me like I am a baby monkey that can barely wipe her own ass. I would appreciate it if he asked me to do
something other than mail packages and recycle various pieces of paper forhim. I should probably have quit long ago, but I do like the job and everyoneelse at the office, except for that one asshole, who happens to be my boss andthe director of the company. What shall I do?

A: Man, you just line the ducks right up for me, huh?

It's possible that the lack of respect from your boss stems from your lack of respect for your boss. WHAT? Gasp! Could it be? Your actions actually influence the way other people treat you? You can't laze around work, admittedly doing nothing, pouting and stroking your false sense of entitlement AND get all the sweet projects from your boss? Shit. What is the world coming to?

It even seems like your boss is not a bad guy. At least he tries to engage you in conversation, unlike a lot of other company directors who'd be more likely to just spit in a subordinate's face than ask how their weekend went.

Also, lose the fucking pottymouth. I do the cussing on this site, and, quite frankly, it is just not as pretty coming out of your mouth.

Q: First of all, your site has blown my mind. Until today, I thought it was impossible for a female to be talented, funny, or smart. Now, the only way to comfort my bruised brain is to tell myself that this is the internet, and you're really just a man exploring your femininity.

Anyway, I hope you can help me with my question, since nobody else can, and its causing me some amount of stress. My question is this: How do you nail those super hard solos in Guitar Hero? For example, have you ever tried to play "Ozzy Osborn - Bark at the Moon" on Hard Difficulty? Its just insane. I've tried, but they throw in these crazy chord transfers in the middle of these super fast scales; It's enough to melt your hands off. Anyway, there's a couple songs I still can't beat because of this difficulty, could you provide any insight on how to stretch my hands to hit all five frets, or how to speed up my reflexes on the strum bar?

A: I think that it is totally awesome that you are such a huge misogynist. I thought that dudes like you didn't exist anymore, but here you are. Its like getting to talk to a brontosaurus.

I can think of a really good technique you can use to improve your grip so you can reach all the frets, and speed up your reflexes on the old strum bar, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you have already mastered it. So I suppose it will only be a matter of time before you have totally whooped Guitar Hero.

The fair08/08/06






It is the fair time of year, you guys. This is the one time of the summer that I get pumped for some fun on the sun. See, I have a pretty short attention span, so most summer pursuits (lazing on the beach, playing outdoor sports) are pretty boring for me. Combine this with the fact that I am the QUEEN OF COMPLAINERS, and the #1 thing that makes me whine is being hot. I tend to spend most of the summer under a 63 degree rock (AKA "working in the air conditioned basement") and only venture out in the evenings.

BUT NOT DURING THE FAIR!! I am going to drag my limp and pasty corpse out into the sun, and look at some cows and some As Seen On TV products. I am going to look at a bunch of agrarian shit and pretend I am in touch with the land. I am going to sit on a sticky bench and eat some burnt sweet potato fries and watch the greasy river of humanity ooze by. I am going to talk to cage after cage of chickens, and I am going to question people's parenting methods. All in the span of a few hours!! The fair was made for me. I went the other day, and now I am going again. I recommend you go, too, when you have a chance. You should probably go to the fair in your own state, though. Ohio doesn't want your kind here.

Here are two Ask Natalies, since I forgot to post one yesterday.



Q: Okay, so, a week ago I met this guy at a show, but don't stop reading yet... He had blue hair and a lisp and was nice in a way that sort of restored my hope for humanity, you know? But not so nice as to make me question his motives. So of course, he's gay.

Anyway, and I know this sounds soooo lame, but the group of people and I all exchanged MySpaces, including the guy. So now we're friends on MySpace, but we also have mutual friends and stuff. I left him a comment about some random thing, and he replied telling me how great I was and "whenever he became straight" he would "call me and let me know" because I'm "everything he loves in a woman." Later, he left me another one with some quote and asking me if I'd ever leave the back of his mind.

I am totally infatuated with this guy. My friend keeps saying over and over, "HE IS GAY, CAROLINE. THIS MEANS HE DOES NOT LIKE GIRLS, I.E. YOU." I think she's a dream crusher, but I also think she is right. Should I just forget about him?

A: If he's gay he's gay. His sexuality is as negotiable as yours.

Q: Why do people say the most obvious things? For example, I was sitting at the bus stop the other day, when the man sitting on the other side of the bench said, "It's a nice day." Obviously it's a nice day if the sun's out and the weather's warm. No need to tell me.

So what is the point in saying these pointless things? Using them to start conversation would be rather stupid unless you happen to enjoy disscussing the exact reasoning for why it is a nice day. I know I don't. Maybe it's because a human's mouth stop working if it doesn't talk enough, so it must use these phrases to maintain a healthful state. I don't know.

A: People say "obvious" things in order to establish a common ground so they can have CONVERSATIONS with other human beings, and share their experiences. The conversation does not have to be "YES THE WEATHER IS QUITE PLEASANT. 85 DEGREES, LOW HUMIDITY. WE MUST BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A HIGH PRESSURE SYSTEM... WINDS APPEAR TO BE COMING FROM THE SOUTH." It is just as easy to say, "Why yes it is a nice day! (slight pause) Where are you taking the bus today?" Then you wait for them to answer, and take an opportunity to talk to someone you might not have otherwise, and learn a little about what other people's lives are like.

Hello, I'm Mrs. Natalie. Welcome to BEING A PERSON 101.

Maybe you are content to live in your brain, and only talk to people you preselect as being "cool" or whatever standard you hold people to, but being a pleasant person who interacts with everyone as though they are valuable members of the human race is so much cooler. People don't just talk to hear themselves talk, they sometimes talk because ignoring another person in their immediate vicinity for prolonged periods of time (ie the duration of a bus wait) is kind of rude.
Blogging around08/06/06

So, my dog Chester turned one year old on Friday. If you are not in the mood to backtrack and figure out the date, his birthday was on August 4th. In case you have not been introduced, this is Chester:

Unfortunately for Chester, I forgot about it until yesterday. Interestingly enough, I forgot Charles' first birthday as well, but I think I have more of an excuse for that... Charles' birthday is on Thanksgiving, and I had all of my family at my house that day, so SORRY CHARLES. One of the good things about dogs, though, is that they don't know what birthdays are, so they didn't really know the difference when we celebrated on a different day. When I say "celebrate," I mean, "give the dogs some table food for once." Chester got a playing card-sized piece of the that thin-sliced steak you use to make fajitas. He thought it was pretty cool. Here is a reenactment of the steak-eating, only with a little cake instead. MMMMMMMMM, eat that little cake that symbolizes a piece of meat!!

It is almost like going to church, you guys.

Anyway, I thought I should write a little bit about the fate of the ol' Ask Natalie column, since you guys have been asking about it... I took the past few months off because I was a little burnt out from writing it for the local paper. Writing it weekly was kinda a drag, cause I didn't get the luxury of being able to wait until good questions came in, so there were a ton of boyfriend/girlfriend questions being answered. Those are REALLY boring to write, and I am sure it is really boring to read.

So, from now on, I will be updating Ask Natalie here (in this blog), a question or two at a time, as often as I get good questions. If you want this to update a lot, then don't send me questions about whether or not the guy in your science class likes you. Nobody wants to read about that, no matter how cute he is, or how you like all the same bands (and I am not even going to get into how totally stupid it is to base relationships on that. I like the Cure. Do I want to date any guy who likes the Cure? Absolutely fucking not.) If I get a good question every day, I will update this blog with a new Ask Natalie question every day. Deal? Deal. I will start today, at the end of this blog post.

Send questions to [email protected], subject line ASK NATALIE.

Oh, that George. Bogarting it as usual.

Ask Natalie

Q: So, I've been having fantastic, exciting new-love sex with my new
beau. I have been really itching to try a buttplug during sex (I've never used one before.)

Any advice on convincing my lover to try this with me? He's not a
prude, but I don't want to scare him off. Do I need to ask him if it's
okay? Or should I just show up with it already snuggled in there and
be like, "What, bitch" ...?

A: Either way. If you stick it in prior to showing up at his place, he will just be like WHOA, and then be cool with it. If you just bring it up, he will be cool with it. Guys are usually pretty cool with most sex stuff, unless you want to drop a deuce on their chest or something. They are definitely into it if you suggest sticking things in your butt.

Have you ever ate a duck?

I did.
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