ASK NATALIE, etc02/10/09
Q: Where I come from, everyone thinks I'm a whore. And they're pretty much right. My reputation has gone to shit. I do regret what I've done in the past. I was young and stupid. What do you do to fix a reputation like this? I'm in a happy relationship now and I'm planning on never whoring around again. Is my reputation totally down the drain or is there something I could do so people will know I've made a conscious effort to change myself?
A: First off, you're not a whore. You weren't making scratch. Perhaps you were behaving in a slutty manner, but calling yourself a whore is a bit much.
Moving on... It's not anyone else's business what you do in your spare time. If you are not fucking someone, it is not their business who you actually are fucking. As long as you are wrapping it up, and not fucking around on someone you're in a relationship with (or who is a relationship with someone else), who cares. Nobody is talking shit about the dudes you were sleeping with being whores, are they? Acting like people being nosy and judgemental bothers you only makes them keep doing it. Hold your head high and don't let what people say about you behind your back bother you, and they will stop once their shaming doesn't hit the mark.
If people give you shit, a simple "my sex life is none of your motherfucking business" works really well. Everyone knows it's not their business. If they get nosy and you act like you care, it makes them think you are seeking their approval. If you act in an ethical manner, and don't spread disease or destroy relationships, your reputation is squeaky clean.
You'd be surprised how little you get to tear shit up when you have an infant in the house. I have been having a hard time coming up with shit to blog about because I just haven't been getting out much, and my days have been filled with the neverending cycle of diaper-bottle-nap-play-diaper-bottle-nap-play-diaper-bottle-nap-play, day in and day out. I know at some point it will get easier, cause Nona will be old enough to do stuff, and I will be able to leave the house without loading myself up like a packhorse, but in the meantime, I am straight chilling at home. I get out to visit people, and do errands and stuff, but nothing involved cause that diaperbag shit is a bit much. I just feed the kid, change her pants, and make it a quick trip so I can get home before the next bottle/diaper. I am not complaining, I knew what I was getting into, it just doesn't feed into the whole blogging thing too well, cause it is super-difficult to make things sound fascinating.
Just about the only thing that is bugging me about this whole mom business is that I look like total shit all the time. First off, I gained about a million pounds, and being home all the time is not doing much for burning calories. Second, gaining a ton of weight, then having someone slice your abdominal muscles every which way makes things a bit more unattractive than they would be if it was just a situation where I ate too many M&Ms. I have no abdominal strength at all, and when I am standing around, I feel like I am just stacking all my weight on my spine and back, instead of getting any help holding myself up from my front. It will be fine once I find a way to fit working out into my diaper-bottle-nap-play-diaper-bottle-nap-play, and I will save my money to get a tummy tuck if that is what it comes to in a few years, but in the meantime, shit is pretty fat and droopy around these parts. I don't mean to take the shine off it, but you know I bring it to you guys all raw. SHIT IS ALL DROOPY, AND IT LOOKS LIKE A NUTSACK, OK? I said it. Now you know to make sure you are using your birth control until you never want to look good ever again. I heard an old wives' tale when I was still pregnant, that if you have a girl, she will steal your beauty, and I will be damned if those old wives weren't right.
That being said, Nona is pretty awesome! She is terminally chilled out, much like her mom. She will have days when she does not cry once, and she is pretty reliably sleeping until 8 every morning, without getting up overnight. She howls when she thinks something is funny, like aaAAH-OOOOOOOOOOOO! Like a young Pauly Shore. She is pretty shy, though. When I show her herself in the mirror, she burrows her face in my shoulder like she doesn't want that other baby to see her. She's a pretty likable kid.
Today, she got a surprise package in the mail from Chris
, with shirts and pens and buttons. There is nothing Nona likes more than having cool fashions to wear, so she was pretty jazzed. Then she puked.
Mexican Cable, Andrew Zimmern, ASK NATALIE01/08/09
Recently, I switched cable providers. I used to have Time Warner, but the cable channels kept going all wonky and stuttery with pixels all over, and the internet would go out periodically. I switched to the ATT cable and internet at the recommendation of the neighbor.
The quality of the internet service is yet to be deterrmined, since you can't really tell if the service blows until you get outages. The cable is pretty decent, though. There are a bunch more channels.
There are a TON of Mexican channels. I have been watching these a bunch lately. Regular cable TV channels leave a bit to be desired, since so many shows seem to cater to the lowest common denomenator, but the Mexican channels are challenging to watch, since I do not know very much Spanish. I know enough to barely know what is going on, and once in awhile someone will say something I understand completely, and I feel triumphant. I like the commercials the best, cause there is not much plot to follow. It is very easy to get lost watching something when you only inderstand every 3rd word, and the people are talking really fast.
My favorite Mexican channel is Mun2. It seems more contemporary, like MTV or something. They play music videos and stuff, and the VJs speak half-Spanish, half-English, so it is that much easier to understand what they are talking about. Anyway, we'd been watching a lot of Mun2, and every night I would be all like "Oh, lets watch Mun-Two....," "There is nothing on, change it to the Mun-Two," then I realized that the channel was not called Mun-Two at all. It is actually pronounced Mun-Dos, like a shortened form of Telemundo.
It took me like a week to put that one together. My Spanish speaking skills are enough to barely watch Mexican TV, but not nearly good enough to pick up on any wordplay at all. I guess that is something to work on.
Have you seen Drew's and my new Ate My Balls Webring?
We thought it would be real funny to start some new Ate My Balls sites, you know, cause people love repeating internet jokes so much, we ought to just bring back some really stale ones...
Unfortunately, the joke was on us, cause the feedback has lead me to believe that most of the people who've checked it out do not remember all the old Ate My Balls sites, so now it just makes us feel real fucking old. At least Andrew Zimmern likes it
, that makes me feel a little better
Q: I read in your Dairyland blog about how you lost 60 pounds. I have about that much to lose too, but I'm mainly losing my fucking mind. I've done Weight Watchers (several times) and went insane with counting, weighing (both myself and food), and feeling shitty for eating anything-- though I did eat, and how!
So, how did you shed that 60 pounds back then? How does one lose weight without going apeshit in the meantime?
A: Well, the way I lost a whole bunch of weight was that I just never really ate anything.
I don't really have much success doing regular diets like Weight Watchers and stuff, probably mostly because I spend a lot of time doing activities that don't expend a lot of calories. I think they overestimate how many points I actually need or something, cause being generally mellow and working at home drawing pictures or doing stuff on the computer seems to expend exactly 12 calories a day.
The only way I have ever had any success losing weight, and keeping myself in reasonable condition is to eat hardly anything. I am not saying this is the most healthy way of doing it, I am just saying it works pretty well. I am currently cutting the eating back since I bloated up like a dead whale having the kid, and I refuse to buy clothes in a bigger size than what is already in my closet, so my techniques are pretty fresh in my mind.
You have to figure out a way to eat that is low in calories and junk, that doesn't drive you crazy. If it drives you crazy you won't stay on the diet long enough to lose an appreciable amount. Weighing stuff out all the time is tedious, and cooking diet food is depressing. I like cooking too much to want to use margarine in stuff, or use fat free cheese.
So, what I usually do is not eat much during the day, like 3 or 4 100-calorie meals, then I have a decent-sized serving of protein and spinach or salad for dinner. That is not much food to speak of, so I keep myself from getting hungry by eating a bunch of konjac noodles and sugar-free Fudgecicles. It works out pretty good for me, cause I keep my calories and fat and stuff real low, but I eat whenever I am hungry, and don't really have to think about it too much. I also don't obsessively weigh myself, cause I know that as long as I am eating the usual thing, I am losing weight. I do it every week at the most often, but I will sometimes go two or three weeks. You see more of a downward trend that way, instead of being discouraged by the scale making it seem like you aren't losing anything when it's just that you haven't crapped yet today.
I keep my calories and stuff low enough that I will go out to a restaurant once every week or two and just order a regular meal, or have something at a get-together if I am invited to such a thing. This makes me not feel like being on a diet is making me a social outcast. I don't totally pig out, or order dessert, and I never bring leftovers home, so the one-time not-diet meal does not stretch into three meals. Being a little bit flexible with yourself and having a nice restaurant meal or something to look forward to makes it easier to not eat much the rest of the time.
Keep in mind that I'm not a doctor or anything!! Totally not a medical professional at all... I don't know how active you are, if you're runnng around a lot, you might pass out if you eat what I do on a normal day. If you are teeny-short and real inactive, you might gain weight. You gotta figure out what works for you. This is just what works the best for me without making me go nuts.
THE RETURN OF FASHION LADY12/16/08
Still hanging out at the house, playing dress up with the kid... Hopefully, I will be taking her out of the house sometime after Christmas. Until then, it is just me, dressing her up in little outfits and pretending like maybe we might have something to do today aside from sitting on the couch and watching Lockup Raw.