Shirts10/11/06

Hey, Guys!

Since I like to keep a clean house, I am going to be discontinuing some shirts. When I discontinue something, I discontinue it forever, so make sure to pick up anything you have had your eye one, cause once it is gone, it is gone FOREVER.

The shirts on the chopping block are as follows:
DINOSAUR VICE PRINCIPAL
LET'S MAKE SANDWICHES
PING, TIME TO SHUT UP
and all shirts in size Extra Small. I will no longer be carrying Extra Small shirts at all.

Get while the gettin's good, y'all.

Love, Natalie
Confessional10/10/06

One time, I went on a date with a guy who kept a list of all the albums he owned in a three-ring binder. The albums were all in alphabetical order by artist, then the albums by each artist were alphabetized also.

He had a shoe fetish. The date ended with me walking back to my apartment in my socks, because I traded him my dirty tennis shoes for a carton of cigarettes.











EDIT: If you are interested, there are a ton of new pictures uploaded on my Flickr account if you are interested in looking at dogs or salt flats or things like that. I even have everything organized into TWO SEPARATE ALBUMS. I am almost getting it figured out.
"Once you go black, you never go back."10/09/06

Here is the story of my life. Rather, here is the story of the life of my hair...

My hair is naturally a very dishwatery blonde color. It is almost grayish, not very pretty at all. I have never been fond of it. Add to this lack-of-fondness the fact that I was adopted by an Italian family shortly after I was born, and therefore surrounded by people with various lovely dark hair colors. my bland haircolor stuck out like a sore thumb. I was pretty much planning on dying my hair as soon as I knew there was such a thing.

So, on January 26, 1992, I dyed my hair for the first time. The reason I remember the date is because my mother was at a Superbowl party at the time, so I was left to my own devices for a few hours. I rode my bike down to the Rite Aid, and bought a bottle of hair dye. It was some weird copper color, and the bottle did not have enough dye to cover my whole head, so it didn't look too good. It didn't look bad, per se, but let's just say that my hairdresser, and everyone else, definitely knew for sure.

I attempted to cover up my first dye job by wearing my hair in a ponytail when my mom got home. I am not sure why I thought that a ponytail would cover it up. It DID cover it up for a minute, but then my sister started screaming NATALIE DYED HER HAIR at the top of her lungs, and I got hell for a sec. My mom is generally pretty cool, though, and didn't really give me too hard a time about it. I mean, my hair was already dyed, what could she do about it?

I continued dying my hair red for a year or so when I fell victim to what could only be described as a serendipitous prank. I bought some red hair dye, got home, dyed my hair, and when I rinsed it, my hair was jet black. Someone switched the bottles in the boxes. Initially, I was horrified, because I was NOT planning on dying it black. Then I started to dig it a little, and kept dying it.

A few times over the years, I would cut my hair pretty short and bleach the black out and make my hair a different color, but the black hair dye would beckon to me. It would contantly be in the back of my mind YOU CAN JUST GO TO WALGREENS AND GET A BOX. I SAW AN AD, IT IS ON SALE. I would always submit, so my hair has been dyed black for probably 12.5 of the last 14 years.

Recently, I did the old chop 'n' bleach, and had platinum blond hair for awhile. For about 8 or 9 months, actually, which is a record for non-black hair. I was getting a little tired of dealing with the roots, and the long involved conditioning treatments, and the weird purple shampoo and conditioner, so I decided to dye my hair my natural color. I let the roots come in, and bought a box of dye that matched it. I figured I was done with the nonsense.

The natural colored dye kinda made my hair look dry, so I thought I would maybe do a darker brown. I tried it out, and I suppose it looked OK. Then, everything went all hazy, all hazy, everyone. I came to on the floor of the basement bathroom, looking like this:



I had to take the pictures Myspace-style, since it is so uncool that is has come back around and is now cool again. We are nostalgic for the days of cool Myspace self-portraits, and now we are ironically taking them to increase our own cool quotient. I mean, even my boy Ghostface Killah has a Myspace self-portrait. His is so cool he even had to watermark that shit. I dare you to say that everything Ghostface does isn't cool as shit.



Anyway, so I dyed my hair black again. Part of me is disappointed that I couldn't stay off the black hair dye train, but the other part of me is like OH HELL YES, I AM LOOKING LIKE NORMAL AGAIN.

NATALIE + = BFF

EDIT: Drew just read this blog post, and, upon seeing the picture of the box of Nice N Easy, commented "Hey, I know that girl! She is always in the cabinet." She is like a member of the family. Dear Nice N Easy girl, if you are reading this, you are like a long lost cousin or something. You should stop by for Christmas dinner. Just lemme know, ok?

Taking retards to the zoo* ASK NATALIE10/04/06

I just went to the zoo. It was like two days ago or something. I planned the trip cause it was the old man's birthday, and it is always nice to do somehting different on your birthday. That way, you can remember what happened, instead of being like "Oh, my 27th birthday? I just sat on the internet and answered surly e-mails from 13 year olds..."

We went to the Columbus Zoo. The Columbus Zoo is a pretty nice zoo. The animals all seem to be in good health, and they seem to be comfortable being looked at by people, which makes me think that the zookeepers treat them pretty well. Otherwise, I don't think that the would be too cool with some lady up in their faces, snapping pictures. I did not use my flash, I am pretty sure a monkey would be able to rip my entire face off if I got him mad, flashing away up in his business.

The Columbus Zoo is the same zoo that is run by Jack Hannah. Even if you do not live in Ohio, you may have seen Jack Hannah on a wide array of TV programs. He gets paid to bring animals to television studios and have them maul the television host.

Anyway, I had a hotdog and some Diet Cokes while I was there. I took a little boat ride that meandered around the monkey houses. The boat ride only lasted for about 3 minutes or something, but it only cost a dollar...er....a token that cost a dollar. Shit, I would pay a dollar to ride just about any boat.

Here are some pictures of the zoo trip:



Now, I am self-employed at this point, and I work a lot. A whole lot more than you might think I do. However, I can take days off when I see fit, so I get to do things like go to the zoo on a Tuesday in October, which pretty mugh rules ass. NO KIDS. NO LINES TO LOOK AT ELEPHANTS. NO SOUVENIR STANDS EVERY 12 FEET. It is pretty much ideal. I would recommend it to anyone. Most people think that summertime is the time for the zoo, but motherfuckers, the zoo is open all year long. You gotta catch that zoo action in the off season, and you will have a much better time. A lot more animals hang around outside in the cooler months, too, since they usually don't venture out of the shade much in the middle of July, so you get to see them all running around in the dirt instead of panting under some outcrop of fake rocks.

*Don't write to me because I said "retards" in the title of this blog post. It is not my problem if you cannot pick up pop-cultural references.

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ASK NATALIE

Q: I was walking across the street today when I was flagged down by two Mormon missionaries. In the interest of politeness, I talked to them for a few short moments. I found myself lying through my teeth and even agreed to let them visit with me later this week. The thing is, I have no desire to talk to them.

How do I get out of this? I don't want to be blatantly rude, but I really don't want to waste my time talking with them. I'm a Buddhist and my wife is Jewish. We're not exactly looking for something different. Please help.


A: You don't need to be rude to make them leave you alone. I mean, you told me that you are Buddist and your wife is Jewish, and you aren't really shopping around for a new religion. It would have been pretty easy to tell the Mormon dudes the same thing. Instead, you just gave them an invitation to come over and waste more of your time, and waste more of their time, also. A simple, "My wife and I are already actively practicing our own religions, thank you for your offer, though," is plenty polite, and I don't think they would press the issue further after that.

If they gave you their contact information, I would give them a call and let them know that you won't be available to meet again after all. At least that way they can spend their time trying to talk to other people who might be more interested in becoming a Mormon.

Q: Those who blog may have encountered the problem of assholes with opinions hiding behind the guise of anonymity. I find that they will take something I've said and twist it around so they can throw it in my face and make me feel shitty for seemingly no reason. I have considered making my journal readable only to those who a) have permission, and 2) subscribe to the site where I'm blogging. The problem with this is that there are people who don't have accounts that I want to be able to read it, like my dad and my out-of-state mother. It seems like a lot to ask them to sign up for accounts they'll never use, only so I can avoid being spit at by people who know me well enough to know that their nastiness will hurt my feelings.

It's easy to say "don't let it bother you," but I'm not one of those sort of people. I take shit personally, and I hate not being able to confront my villains as they've chosen to remain anonymous. The best thing I've been able to do is respond in a way that doesn't validate their cruelty, making it look like whatever they say doesn't affect me. But it does. What should I do?


A: If you are not the type of person who would not be bothered by people saying shitty things to you on the internet, you shouldn't have a blog. I think that making an online journal and only leaving it open to people you approve of reading it completely defeats the purpose of having an online journal. If you only want your thoughts read by family and friends and people who will love everything you have to say, then keep a diary, and talk to your family and friends more. You can't publish your thoughts in a public forum if you don't want the public commenting on what you have to say.

Q: I was in traffic the other day and wondered if you had a pet name for fans of your site. I thought of two off the top of my head. You could call them the Nat. Pack, you know 'cause it sounds like the Rat Pack and their fans of yours, or you could call them Dee'sNuts, as in they're nuts about your site. Yup. Well it passed the time in traffic.

A: I refer to them as the Cult of Personatalie. It seems to work out pretty well.
"I (heart) Columbus, Ohio/ASK NATALIE"09/23/06

I mentioned a few posts ago that I grew up in a pretty small town. Needless to say, as soon as I graduated high school, I totally hightailed it to the closest metrolpolitan area, Columbus. I like it pretty well here. I think it is a nice city, it is easy to get around, unlike some other cities with sprawling suburbs and seemingly non-sensical city planning (I am looking at you, Cincinnati.) Whenever I leave, I am always happy to come back. I have been to a lot of major cities, and I just don't like them as much as I like Columbus.

I have thought a few times about moving, but I don't think I want to. I would be totally fine living here forever.

I have had to talk to a lot of people from all over the place, being internationally intriguing and all, and I find it interesting that a lot of people think that, since I am from Ohio, I am a hick, or stupid. A lot of people seem to believe that Columbus is not a real city, and that west of Pennsylvania is the same as rural Utah. I have talked to other people I know who live in Ohio, and have to travel for business or work with people from different locales, and they report the same phenomenon.

Columbus is the 15th largest city in the US. That might not sound like much, but Columbus is bigger than Seattle, Boston, Denver, Washington DC, Las Vegas, Portland, Atlanta, Sacramento, New Orleans, and Miami. Those are real cities, right, cool guy?

There are also a lot of famous people from Ohio. Chrissy Hynde, Kim and Kelly Deal, Lux Interior, Devo and Screaming Jay Hawkins are from Ohio. So are Gloria Steinem, Neil Armstrong, and John Glenn. There are a lot more people from Ohio than just the ones I listed, you can check out the list on the Wiki-me-pedia. Go on, read the list. It is pretty exhausting.

There were 8 presidents from Ohio. There have only been 43 presidents, so we are obviously kicking everyone else in the ass when it comes to presidenting. I mean, do some quick math... there are 49 states that have to share the leftover 35 presidents. We didn't even leave enough presidents for you all to just have one. My high school's mascot was the president. This place is lousy with presidents.

There are plenty of things to do here: galleries, museums, concerts, sports teams, a ton of shopping. Best of all, the cost of living here is pretty reasonable. For the price of a small house in California, or a tiny condo in NY, you can have a really nice huge house here. Or a reasonable house and a nice chunk of change in the bank. If, for some reason, you wanted to leave Columbus and visit somewhere else, a lot of metropolitan areas are within a day's drive, so it is pretty easy to do a long weekend somewhere like New York or Chicago or Philidelphia.

Some people try to give me a hard time because Ohio was a red state in this past election. Well, if you look at a map of democratic counties in Ohio, you can see that Columbus is a lovely shade of dark blue, thank you very much.

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Besides, I am sure a lot of the red-stateyness has more to do with the large number of corporations based in Ohio, and less to do with a vast number of banjo-playing voters. I'm not saying it is cool that Ohio was a red state, I am just saying that I voted, and then the rest of the cards fell where they fell. I am not going to pretend I did not like living here the previous 24 years, and haven't continued to enjoy living here for the past 2 years, even though the political climate has turned all whackjob. Would you prefer that all the Democrats jump ship and move to a blue state, and just surrender the state to the Republicans forever?

It may sound like I have an inferiority complex about all this, but I think that I am the only one in Columbus who doesn't. Everyone else seems to believe the non-Columbusians who think we are a crappy, little town in a crappy, backwards state. I already think we RULE ASS. In your face, internet, I am from motherhumping Columbus, Ohio. IN YOUR FACE, INTERNET.

Actually, there is one thing I hate about Columbus, and that is Ohio State football games. Seriously. I really resent the fans that drive in and treat my city like crap, drinking and puking everywhere, and setting stuff on fire. I also do not like how they take police officers (who should be policing elsewhere) to direct traffic for games, and that the traffic can really back up and make driving around impossible. I mean, I am not mad because I don't like football. I am mad because there are a lot of people who don't like football, but we all have our days interrupted by it. I don't go to Mansfield or Akron and stop up traffic so I can listen to Ghostface Killah and knit. Don't come to my town and make me sit in the traffic forever so you can get sloppy drunk and vandalize stuff.

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O-HI-Oh shit I got paint in my eye!!!

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Ask Natalie

Q: What are your thoughts on butt plugs? For straight guys. My (long-term) girlfriend and I use them for her occasionally, and I've played around with them for me alone. We're very open in our relationship, there's plenty of kink in the bedroom, and I'm secure in my manhood, but I'm not so sure a reasonable girl wouldn't start to question her man if he wanted to put things in his ass. I mean, it would most likely be while my penis was in her vagina and all... but still. What do you think? What's the best way to introduce this idea? I know you don't know exactly what SHE will think, but what are your thoughts? To me, it's a butt plug, I'm not fantasizing it's some guy's penis, but there's that stigma out there that being on the receiving end of ass play is only for women and gay men.


A: You should just tell her that you want to use a butt plug yourself. I mean, it makes more sense for you to want to use it than your girlfriend, anyway. You have your prostate gland going on up there, so there is actually something to stimulate. Girls just have an ass full of butthole. There's nothing gay about putting things in your butt unless there is another dude involved in it.
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