I'M A PROFESSIONAL11/18/06

Hi, guys.

I have not been blogging too much lately. Sorry about that. Fact of the matter is, I have not really been around the computer too much. I fucked my back up somehow, and it was bugging me to sit at my desk, so I have been filling my computer time with other stuff. Like reading books or whatever.

I really like books a lot. I think they are better than the internet. You know why? Because the internet is full of people just talking to hear themselves talk, and books are a nice, condensed packet of information that the author had to put some thought into and revise before making it available to millions people. I can finish a book, and not immediately be hit with pages of what other people thought about the book. I never open a book, and see that the first chapter is the same as the first chapter in a different book. It's pretty nice.

I usually read non-fiction. I like medical books the most. Like books about diseases or anatomy or whatever. Sometimes, I will read a biography. I would recommend reading books. Books.

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So, today is Footballpocalypse. It is the worst day of the year to live in Columbus: the day of the Ohio State vs. Michigan game. I dunno, I guess the people around here really hate it when Michigan plays football, and vice versa. Don't ask me. I actually lived in the goddamned football stadium when they still had dorms in it, and I don't fucking know. All I know is that I can't leave the house today, or I will spend 2 hours trying to get around the roadblocks, then someone will set everyone's trashcans on fire, and turn everyone's car upside down, and break a bunch of stuff. It is hateful.

I try to not say that I hate stuff, cause I think that hate is a pretty strong word that I don't like to bandy about, but I will go ahead and say it.

I HATE YOU, OHIO STATE FOOTBALL. I really think you suck balls. If you were a polite member of the community, it would be one thing, but come on. It's not even that I don't like sports. I think sports are fine, and people should run around all the time and get exercise and play sports, and that is awesome. I hate mindless mob behavior, and I hate having to plan my day around it. I am just saying.

I actually read something in the news recommending that people from Michigan who are coming to town to see the game DRIVE IN A CAR WITH OHIO PLATES and NOT WEAR THEIR MICHIGAN SHIRTS UNTIL THEY GET INTO THE STADIUM, out of fear of vandalism/violence. Don't people read the news? Aren't they ashamed of themselves? Damn it. It is a fucking mega-load, for sure.

Here is the best part:


That is a parking spot that costs $490. You can pay almost 500 dollars and still have to buy a ticket.


Wha-- I mean, who has enough money to spend on this? I am not talking like I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars on something, but, you know, spend it on SOMETHING. Spending that much to watch a college football game, man. A lot of those cats get so drunk that I can't imagine that they remember much of the game afterwards. You can buy that expensive ticket, and watch a football game, or you can take that money and go to, I dunno, France? Jamaica? I can think of a lot of ways to spend that much money that would be a lot more awesome.

But what do I know. I can't say that blogging is superior to puking in the streets, I just get miffed when all the puke is in my street.

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Anyway, I thought I would show you guys this picture I made of Drew and I. I made it to go with this interview we did for our neighborhood magazine.



I hope all the old white people like the interview. I'm not sure they would like my site much if they looked at it, but at least they will see me at the grocery store and think THERE IS THAT WEIRD CARTOONIST FROM THE MAGAZINE instead of THERE IS THAT LADY WHO I THINK IS A CRIMINAL MAYBE, WHY IS SHE WEARING SLIPPERS?
Hello Everyone!!11/07/06

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS????

It's not my birthday.

It's not our anniversary (not like you guys every remember our anniversary, even after everything we have been through together. But I suppose that is a subject for another blog post.)

It's not Christmas.

Today is VOTING DAY for all you American motherfuckers. That means that, if you are of voting age, you have NO EXCUSE for not going to your local polling place and getting your vote on. NO EXCUSE. If you don't vote, you don't get to complain. I have known some people in my day who were too lazy to vote, but too whiny to not shut up about not liking our government. If you don't at least try to make a difference, I don't care what you have to say.

What is that, you say? You work all day and can't get out to the polling place? Most polling places are open from 6:30 in the morning until around 7:30 at night. I bet you will not be at work that whole time, unless you work in a sweatshop or are one of those workaholic office cats. BUT THAT IS STILL NOT AN EXCUSE. Your employer is supposed to let you have a break to go vote. If they don't, you need to find a new employer who doesn't get their rocks off by disenfranchising you.

The polling place is too far away? Bullshit. Just about every public school has voting. It is a pretty nice day, you can walk your ass to a polling place in about 20 minutes. If, for some reason, you absolutely CAN'T go out today, I trust you got your absentee ballot, right? Right?

The point I am trying to get at here is that voting is pretty important, and being apathetic about the country you live in (especially when the country you live in is going down the tubes as we speak) is a pretty negative personality flaw. I don't even care who you vote for. That is not my business. But, in order for democracy to work, you gotta participate in it. And you young cats, you twenty-somethings living at your mom's house, you poor single parents, you minorities, YOU are the ones they want to stay home today. Fuck them. Go fucking vote. This is OUR country, not Haliburton and WalMart's country. If you only get off your ass one day this year, make it today. GO. NOW. You can finish reading this blog post when you get back...

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I am sure that you have all checked out the beautiful and/or handsome OFFICIAL SHARING MACHING SPOKESMODEL TEAM, but did you know there is an unofficial, underground Natalie Dee spokesmodel team...er...pair (like in iceskating)? Introducing... MOM and ANGELA!!!



The one on the left is my mother. Her name is Joanne, and she is a nurse. The one on the right is my younger sister, Angela. She is going to grad school to be a nurse. They are a good example of the apple not falling far from the tree. I am an example of an apple falling from the tree and rolling a ways. I am not a nurse. I am also pretty pastey. These guys are pretty tan. They like exercising, too. MEET MY FAMILY, DUDES. I also have two other sisters, but one of the was in Cleveland when this picture was taken, and the other one did not want to model a shirt. I don't blame her, I don't really want to model shirts, either.

I think Angela might be joining the spokesmodel team, along with her boyfriend, Frankie (AKA don't write to me about trying to date my sister.) Stay tuned!!

And vote!!

Love, Natalie
Why do I have to have a subject line to blog?10/19/06

Hello! Welcome to Amazon! We have some recommendations for you!!

VELOUR TRACK PANTS: These are some pretty good track pants.
Why is this recommended to you? Cause you are wearing these pants right now, and you bought them from Amazon already. We thought you might like, you know, some more of 'em.

RAP CD: Here is a pretty well known rap CD.
Why is this recommended to you? Cause you bought a rap CD off Amazon once, and they thought you would be interested in different, way crappier rap albums.

ELMO THING: Hey, little kids like Elmo things.
Why is this recommended to you? Cause you bought a gift for a little kid once, but we didn't pay attention when you checked the box on our website that said "gift". We thought that you might like to buy toys suitable for a 3 year old ALL YEAR LONG.

I don't really like to be reminded of every little thing I have ever bought.

Sometimes it makes me feel the same way that having a co-worker or weird acquaintance or stranger on the internet (cough) find out some miniscule thing you are interested in, and then try to talk to you about it all the time, every single time you see them. Just because I mentioned liking metal doesn't mean that I want to talk about metal all the time. Just because I bought a block of torrone for a dinner party doesn't mean that I want to be personally alerted whenever a new dessert is available in the Amazon grocery. I'm just saying. I am a multifaceted lady. My fancies are passing fancies.

I think I would like it more if Amazon randomly selected items and put them on the main page, rather than pretending to know what I want to buy based on past purchases. It would be more interesting to visit the site, like OOOOH, I WONDER WHAT CRAZY SHIT THEY ARE GONNA RECOMMEND TODAY. YESTERDAY THEY RECOMMENDED RAISINS, GALOSHES, VAGINA MOISTURIZER, SOME UNRECOGNIZABLE CAR ENGINE PART, AND A FRAMED PICASSO PRINT. Maybe I just think about Amazon too much.

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If you get a chance, hop on over to the Natalie Dee store and check out the new shirts and bag. Looking good, y'all. Also, if you click for details on any of the shirt designs, you can see them modeled by the OFFICIAL SHARING MACHINE SPOKESMODEL TEAM- Sharon, Kate, Sara, Drew, and Andy. Each model has their own link, to their own page with all their photos in one spot. So, for example, if you wanna look at all of Drew's pictures, just click his name. Then you can see them all in one place, THEN YOU CAN BACK THE FUCK OFF. BACK...OFF... I will slap a bitch if she tries anything with my man. Stone cold slap-a-bitch.

Hey, here is a link to the store.

Anyway, you might wonder what it takes to be a Sharing Machine spokesmodel... Basically, you have to be a friend of mine (or Drew's), and you have to be dependable enough to take pictures or show up to have your picture taken. Hey there, dudes...all 4 of you. And what is it like? Well, you get free shirts, but it is grueling work, and there is no money in it. It is all for the fame, and the free coke.

Here is a picture of our most recent photoshoot, where dogs were posed, fat was pulled, makeup was ill-conceived, and models faced the wrong way. Fashion is tough, baby.


Plain or Fancy?10/16/06



I am not sure how much "fancy" you can buy for ten cents... I bet the fancy breakfast pizzas just have a little glitter on them, or maybe a little drink umbrella poking up in the middle.
"Dog stuff, picture stuff"10/12/06

I was hanging out earlier today, thinking about whatever. Sitting and thinking. I dunno, maybe you do it too.

Anyway, I was thinking about my life in general, about things that happen and how they affect your life in the future. When shitty stuff goes down, I usually ask myself "is this going to matter in a year or two?" and if the answer is no, I try to just chill out about it rather torturing myself about it. This is easy to apply to major life events.

Thinking about this got me thinking about what decisions I may have made in the past that have adversely affected the quality of my life right now. I thought for a long time about it, I covered the big stuff like dropping out of college and working in the sex industry and whatever else, and none of it really negatively impacted my life.

Then I realized what was the worst decision I ever made. The decision that grates on my nerves every single day. The decision that resulted in a problem with no apparent solution...

I used my oven timer to housetrain Chester. I set the timer for every couple hours, so I would not forget to take him out and avoid accidents. Now Chester is trained to have to go outside RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY whenever I cook a meal in my home. Chester also has trained Charles to panic and go into a barking frenzy to ensure that the trip outside happens RIGHT NOW WHEN THAT BELL RINGS.

We have tried to correct this by ignoring them when they freak out, but that just results in the DOGPOCALYPSE. Then we tried to distract them, which usually goes like this:

(BELL RINGS)
(dogs start flipping shit)
DREW: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
ME: DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOTLE DOOT! DOOT! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E EEE EE EE!!
(dogs forget about the bell for a second, then continue to flip shit.)

I think the reason this method does not work is because these are the same noises we make when we want to take pictures of the dogs, cause it makes them look at us. So, the bell rings, then they think we are going to take their picture. Then they see that we are not, and they are like, "Motherfucker, if you ain't gonna be taking my picture, you need to take my ass out right now. Didn't you just hear the damn bell?"

I dunno, I will figure it out at some point. Maybe I will try to get a different oven timer that sounds totally different. In the meantime, if I rue any day, I rue the day my dumb ass decided to housebreak Chester with an oven timer.

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I spent today hanging out with my friend Kate. I usually do not blog or make comics about people I know, cause I think it might make then nervous to hang out with me. I know I would be nervous hanging out with someone if I thought they were using me for material, so I try to avoid it.

But I am going to go ahead and blog about this, cause Kate is going to be the next Natalie Dee spokesmodel (like on StarSearch). She is going to be the next model because she is foxy, much like my last model, Miss Sharon, but also because she is awesome. She is one of the first people I met when I moved to Columbus, so I have known her for a long long time. We took a lot of pictures, so I thought I would give you a preview, since this picture is so excellent.



Kate is a very funny and enthusiastic lady, and she is going to make an awesome model!! Keep your eyes peeled in the coming weeks for all the new pictures.

And, speaking of pictures, I am still Flickring away, and posting new pictures almost everyday. I now have a photoset of just dog pictures, for everyone who wanted more dog pictures. The link is to the left. By the way, I am allowing SOME comments. If your comments actually have something to do with what is going on, and you don't comment on every picture, it's cool. Don't comment a whole ton, though. I block people who make more than 4-5 comments at once.

The link to my pal Kate's blog is to the left, too, if you are interested.

Later, Gators.
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