Dogs01/17/07

So, I have these two dogs, right?

First, there is Charles. Charles is 2 years old, and he is a good boy. He doesn't have accidents on the floor too often, he knows a few tricks (sit, lay down, roll over, shake, high five, and try not to shit on the floor, in case you were curious.) He is pretty smart in general, and once in awhile he has a slight evil genius quality to him. He is tall for a pug, and he weighs 21 pounds.

Then there is the other dog, Chester. Chester is 1 year old, and he is short and tips the scales at a whopping 29 pounds. When he sits, he has rolls all over his belly like a old fat man. I don't overfeed him, and he doesn't get any treats aside from the occasional chew toy, so I am pretty sure he is either getting fat from eating dust and dog hair off the floor, or he is just absorbing his fatness from the atmostphere. I'm not going to hold his fatness against him, though, because when we picked him out of his littermates, I chose him because he was so comically fat, and way fatter than the other puppies.

He is fucking dumb. I was going to be a little more flowery there, and say that he was "dumb as a box of hammers" or "dumb as dirt," but, no, he is fucking dumb and there isn't a better way to put it. He is impossible to train, sitting is his only trick, and he is just barely housebroken. He might not even be housebroken. He might just crap outside because he see Charles doing it, then doesn't crap on the floor because he doesn't have to crap anymore.

The reason I am comparing the intellect of the two dogs is that I have an inkling that either Chester doesn't know his name, or he thinks that his name is Titty. If you have a dog (or other pet, I suppose), you are probably familiar with having a ton of nicknames for him. "Titty" was a popular nickname for Chester for a while, in reference to his fatboy bitch tits. He will usually look at you and come check out what is going on if you call for Titty, but if you call for Chester, it is almost like he is deaf.

Aside from his blinding stupidity, though, he is a nice guy.
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DOG NICKNAMES

Charles: Chuck, Chuckie Dog, Cheddar Harles, Mr. C. Harles, Marles, Old Weirdo.

Chester: Titty, Titty Loo, Fatty, Shitty Dog, Little Loo, Fatty Loo.

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I ventured out to the mall yesterday, after my self-imposed shopping moratorium that stretches from Thanksgiving til after everyone goes back to work after New Year's. My area of emotional space is pretty large, I would say about three feet in every direction, and when cats get closer than that, I start raging pretty hard. If I'm not fucking you, then I don't want you brushing up against me, you know what I mean? Maybe you don't. Whatever.

Anyway, I went back to the mall, and there was NOBODY THERE. There was tons of parking, and it was nice a quiet, and there was seriously NOBODY THERE. All the employees looked really bored and tired, and left me alone for the most part. I even went to a cellphone store and looked at all the cellphones and got totally left alone! That seems as unlikely as not having to talk to a car salesman when you are standing in the lot, but it really happened. It was awesome. I am pretty sure all the people working at the mall were just totally exhausted- physically from the impossible hours they just got done working, and mentally from waiting for the seasonal help Sword of Damocles to drop on their heads. Not to mention having to live in the retail holiday hell for a month. I worked that shit one year, and it was a fucking nightmare.

Just think, you guys. If everyone did their shopping for the holidays way ahead of time, the retailers wouldn't know when to make their stores super obnoxious with Christmas trees in October or when to offer five $10 black and white televisions that will sell out in 2 minutes in order to get you in the door to buy DVDs with the prices jacked up. I don't mean to talk about the holidays now, so soon after they were done, but just think about what would happen if everyone bought their holiday gifts in the SPRING this year?? It would be totally stress free! And you could use your tax return to get gifts instead of just blowing it and then winding up in massive credit card debt in January!! Then, when the retailers saw that nobody was shopping during the holidays anymore, they would leave us alone for a goddamned minute! And you would never have to fight with anyone over the last Pop-O-Matic Trouble!!

And I would be free to work on my hobby of competitive browsing whenever I felt like it, instead of being sad in the basement with NO SAKS for two months. I love you, mall, I am so glad to have you back.

I LOVE YOU MALL.

Another little blog.01/05/07

Hey, guys.

I just looked behind me, and saw my dog standing on the couch, with his paws on the wainscotting, CHEWING ON A PAINTING THAT IS HANGING ON THE WALL.

Fuck you, Charles. You're a maniac.
Bowling pin.12/29/06

Have you ever typed out a word, and the act of typing it felt so strange and awkward that you just know you've never typed it out before?

That happened to me just now, when I typed BOWLING PIN into a search engine.

Bowling pin. Bowling pin. Man, that is pretty fucked up.
whoaaaaa!12/21/06

Maybe you wonder what kind of neighborhood I live in. For the sake of conversation, let's say you do, cause I have to have a reason to blog about my neighbors. Anyway, I live in a regular old neighborhood. It is not ritzy, it is not run-down. It is not trendy at all. The houses aren't interesting architecturally, or quaint, or even old. It is a regular old subdivision that was built in the 60s. It looks like it was built in the 60s, then left outside for 45 years. The neighborhood IS pretty quiet, though, and all the neighbors keep to themselves.

When I say "keep to themselves", what I mean is they "pretend they can't see me." I don't mind though, I don't like making small talk.

People don't move around too often, like the neighbors did when I lived on campus. Since I've been here, only two houses have changed owners. One neighbor who lived down the street moved, and the cats who lived right next door to me moved.

The people next door weren't problematic at all. If anything, I think that we were the crazy neighbors in the equation. Once, my husband started a massive greasefire, causing panic in the kitchen. I ran screaming out the front door, around to the side, pulled open the side door, and the old man threw the pot of flaming oil out into the yard. I ran back around to make sure everything inside was cool, then we went outside to check where the oil had landed. It was all over the patio, and was burning a nice patch of grass, along with all the ivy on the fence. Standing on the other side of said fence was the neighbor, looking at us like we were idiots with a gardenhose in his hand, putting out the fire. He was having a coookout in his backyard, and he and his guests saw everything. It was awesome.

Before the neighbor and his family moved, they had a yard sale. At this yard sale, they had their pet bird tagged and put on the table.

Now, a different couple and their dog moved in. I don't really talk to them, either, but I was quite happy that they had a little yappy dog. Not because I love hearing dogs bark, but because if their dog is out there barking, they will never give me a hard time about my dogs being out there barking. It is a lot better than the previous neighbors who didn't complain, but did let their daughter scream and throw sticks at and feed rocks to my dogs (in addition to SELLING THEIR PET AT A YARD SALE. What in the shit.)

There is another dude, who lives a few houses down, that is constantly standing out in the street. We don't get a lot of through traffic, so he's not endangering his life or anything, but it is strange that he is always out there. Sometimes when I drive by, he will be standing out in the middle of the street, talking to someone else who is just standing in the middle of the street. I thought chilling out was what yards and porches were for, but apparently I was wrong. In my neighborhood, the chilling out happens in the road.

Not that he is just standing out there being a lazy bum. No, this dude is industrious. He spends all his time in the street, but when he is out there, he keeps the shit clean. He picks up every little piece of leaves, gravel, litter (not that there is any litter ever, since he is on the lookout). I think he sweeps up and down it everyday. If there is a storm, and branches fall, he will pick up every little speck of bark.

Whenever I see him, he is either holding one of these in his hand, or I can see it laying in his yard with his other obsessive street cleaning tools, waiting to get picked back up:



He has the yellow one, in case you are curious. You can get a case of 72 of them for 94 cents each. I like to think he has a case of them in the garage.
"What's up, kids?"12/15/06

Hey, guys. How's it going?

Did you know that the cut-off for getting Natalie Dee shirts and totes in time for Christmas is TONIGHT (Friday, Dec 15th) at midnight? If you do not order by tonight, you might not see your stuff until after the holiday. Don't say I didn't warn you, cause if you write me and try to cuss me out about it, I will just point you to this blog, and remind you about the giant banners at the top of the site. Cussing at me won't make the US Postal Service rush your package to you on the space shuttle, and it won't stop me from saying I TOLD YOU SO. Now that's out of the way....

Here is an interview I did with Venus Zine.

Maybe you want to read it. If you do, then go for it. I do a lot of interviews. Some of them are terrible. Some of them are pretty good. The Venus Zine interview is pretty good. it is always fun to find out if an interview is gonna be good or not. I mean, you are just answering a lot of the same questions about yourself, so the difference between it being good and being terrible is just the person who wrote it. Sometimes interviewers will completely miss everything you wanted them to take down, and then fuck up the stuff they do catch. Congratulations, Caralyn Green. You didn't make me look like a giant penis, unlike other people I did interviews with recently. High five, lady.

Another thing I think is fun about doing interviews is the drawings they pick to put in the article. Usually, the pictures that people like and want to put in stuff are not the same as the drawings I like a lot, so it is always a surprise. I am pretty easy to surprise though. I check this site everyday to see what drawing I put up. Surprise!! Alright!
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