"Contest, vacation, dogs, Ask Natalie, etc etc."09/21/07

So, in case you haven't noticed, we are quickly approaching the end of CONTEST 2007. Today is the last day to try your hand at winning some free stuff from Drew and I. Much like previous contests, we are looking for pictures of people wearing current tshirts from nataliedee.com, toothpastefordinner.com, and/or marriedtothesea.com. There is also a special category of prizes for people who submit pictures of tattoos they have, so if you have any tattoos, you should definitely send in a couple pics, because the odds of winning are pretty good for those tattoo people.

The only reason I am pushing the tattoo picture thing is because I know that an awful lot of people have sent in pictures of tattoos they've gotten, only not during contest season. So I know there are a lot more people out there who have tattoos and have not entered the contest yet. You already have the pics on your computer, you may as well send them to us again, and get some merch for free.

FUN FACT: From what I have seen, Natalie Dee fans seem to get tattoos more often than Toothpaste or Married to the Sea fans. I think this is either because y'all are crazy, or I am a bad influence.


Last weekend, I went on vacation.

Now, usually when people go on vacation, they actually leave town. Not me. I save the money I would have spent going somewhere, and just stay in a nice hotel in town. It might sound dumb, but I know that when I am on vacation, I like sitting in a hotel, ordering room service, and sitting in the bathtub playing Tetris. None of these things require leaving your room, let alone leaving town. It is also very relaxing to know exactly how to get anywhere you want to go should you decide to leave your room.

I stayed at the Great Southern located downtown, which is a hotel in Columbus that opened in 1897. It was originally called the Great Southern Fireproof Hotel and Opera House, presumably because the hotel that was nearby before the Great Southern was opened burnt to the ground.

Now, even though I don't really think much about paranormal bullshit, part of me was kinda hoping that the hotel would be haunted, or at least spooky, even though I don't really believe in that stuff. It would just be interesting if some ghost proved me wrong. SOMEONE had to have died there at some point, right? If so, they just wheeled the corpse out and that was it. Nobody was haunting shit in that hotel. GHOSTLESS, as anticipated.

On the ground floor of the hotel, they had a bar that was named after James Thurber, who was the wiseass from Columbus who drew stick figures like 75 years ago. They had a bunch of his drawings hanging up. I don't know if he used to hang out in the hotel or if they were just trying to capitalize on him somehow, but it made me wonder if they would have a bar named after me in the Red Roof Inn near my house in 100 years. I hope so.





Q: I live in an apartment with a couple of other girls, and I do my best to eat healthily - mainly by not buying unhealthy food. The problem is my housemates DO buy food like cookies, and chocolate spread, etc, that either I try to avoid or make my own (healthier) versions of. Every now and then I get a craving for this junk food, and I end up sneakily eating some of my housemate's stuff. I don't think any of them would have much of a problem with me eating their stuff (we're pretty generous), but my question is - would it just be better for me to buy my own junk food, even though I don't want to make a habit of eating it, or for me to continue not having it often, and just borrowing from my housemates when I do?

A: If you purchase food for yourself, and primarily eat your own food that you purchased, I would avoid buying junk food for yourself. If you bought a bag of cookies or Nutella or whatever for yourself, you would be more prone to eating it all yourself. I'm not saying you would sit there and eat it all in one sitting, but junk food is better if it is a special-occasion, once-in-a-while thing, and if you have your own stash, you might find yourself eating junk more often than is healthy.

If you have guilt issues about eating your roommates' junk food, go ahead and buy them replacements once in awhile. Be like "Hey, man, I ate a couple of your Ho-Hos in the last few weeks, here is a box of Ho-Hos as a gesture of goodwill." Your friends probably aren't keeping track, but it is nice to let them know that you realize that they are the ones buying the junk, and you appreciate their generosity. Buying the junk for them will also ensure that you don't snag more of it than is good for you.

Fall fall fall.09/11/07

Heeeey, everyone!!

It is mid-September!! Are you psyched? I am totally fucking psyched.

It is going to start getting COLD soon. Here is lovely, scenic Ohio, the weather seems to be cooling down already. I woke up this morning and consulted the old Dashboard to see what the weather was gonna be like, and look what I saw!!

That looks to me like motherfucking cardigan weather to me!! (NOTE: I have been wearing cardigans all summer long, too, only in various air-conditioned locales. I am talking about wearing cardigans outside.)

There are not very many things that I like more than fall. As soon as September rolls around, I start getting really amped, and thinking about all the bundling-up clothes I am going to wear, and how cold it is going to get. I start knitting projects so I will have new cozy things to put on, and I dig up all of my old favorite warm stuff.

Maybe y'all don't get worked up about your clothes, but I most certainly do. Fall and winter are the best!!! You can layer so much! Your makeup doesn't melt off! The humidity doesn't make your hair fart out! You get at at least 6 months (at least here in Ohio) of good old cold weather dressing. So excellent. I have my outfits all planned out already. Galoshes, hunting hats, turbans, dresses with tights and long socks at the same time!! Huge scarves and old lady coats and three shirts at once!! God, this is gonna be so great.

Damn, between getting my fall wardrobe together and Fashion Week, I am about to shit myself. Maybe y'all internet folks don't get too frothy about getting dressed, but goddamn if I don't.

Chester just came in from his morning dump with a half-killed baby bunny in his damned maw.

Fuck you, Chester. Fuck. You.
Worst Online Shopping... IN THE WORLD!!!08/22/07

So, it is a little after 11. I have been on hold with IKEA for the last half hour or something ridiculous like that. I made the mistake of placing an online order for some goddamn slipcovers for the couch (DOGS, quit ruining the slipcovers, jeez).

For some reason, IKEA is the only place in the world that has an online store that you can theoretically place orders through, but then you have to CALL IN to give them the billing information. Also, like 98% of the stuff they have in the online store is just unorderable, period. I'm not sure why you would even suggest that it's an online store, you know, if you had to hire a graphic designer to create the symbol for YOU CAN'T BUY THIS (a little shopping cart with the international sign for NO), and put it next to every item online. If I was the guy programming the site, the futility of programming the pages for all the items, then putting the symbol there would drive me insane, and I would have quit 20% through. Quit the whole job, IKEA, everything, and just go to bed. Have a bunch of nightmares about that little NO SHOPPING CART.

Complain as I might, having to call in and wait for a half hour is better than dealing with that crapshoot more commonly known as Ebay. Last time I had to pick up slipcovers (fuck you, dogs), I got 'em from Ebay, and not only were they more expensive than straight-from-IKEA slipcovers, they appeared to be used, and the blue slipcover I ordered arrived looking like a blue track jacket-- nylon, zippers, white trim, the whole shebang. Weird, and probably not a decor scheme I would have picked on my own.

Combine this with my previous Ebay misadventure... I thought I ought to get a better deal on a Marc Jacobs dress I wanted, and purchased it on Ebay. What arrived was a dress that looked a LOT like the one I ordered, only the brand on it was JONE JONE, and all the buttons on it said JONE JONE, and it arrived from China. It was totally my fault for not paying attention to where it was shipping from. I gave the dude bad feedback, and he kept writing me mean emails saying that THE DRESS IS NOT FAKE. My ass, it's not fake. Do I look rondo to you?

So, anyway, yeah. That is why I wound up on the phone for a half hour, listening the the worst hold music ever (it was just really really loud honking noises, kind of arranged like a song.) God forbid Columbus get their own IKEA, so I could just bip out there whenever the dog hair has stiched itself into the couch fabric and can no longer be sticky-rollered off, or whenever Chester's anus leaves behind some death-scented wetspot.

I just wish that online shopping was maybe a little more satisfying... like, order something and get what you ordered, without having to do a little song and dance. Perhaps if more online stores were like MY online store, getting orders and sending them out in beautiful, perfumed envelopes within a few days of placing the order, arriving promptly and as described...

ASK NATALIE/Fucking Cats08/18/07

Q: My girlfriend of many years has a good time teasing me if she thinks I find another woman attractive. It's pretty good-natured; she knows I'm not planning on leaving her in order to full-time stalk Natalie Portman. The thing is, I never tease her about finding another dude attractive. Wait, I take that back. I did once accuse her of thinking about Antonio Sabato Jr. when we were intimate. But that wasn't really serious, and it only happened that one time. The reason I don't tease her about it is that she's never said, about anyone, "Wow...he must work out." So this is my question: should my girlfriend have SOME kind of a visual attraction to at least one other guy? I don't have some weird ulterior motive going, like softening the ground for a threesome; I just feel like she should at least appreciate the other goods on the shelf, in order to make me feel better about being the one she took home. Giving oneself an ego stroke is, of course, the reason anyone gets into a relationship, right?

A: Well, I'm not sure the reason that people get in relationships is to give oneself and "ego stroke"... Most people get in relationships because they like someone, and they appreciate that person's support in day-to-day things.

Anyway... should girls have some sort of visual attration to dudes that are not their boyfriends? I mean, she probably does, but girls think about that stuff differently than dudes do. It is not so much "thinking other people are attractive makes me feel more attractive cause they picked me" as much as it is "thinking other people are attractive makes me feel less attractive cause WHAT IS WRONG WITH LOOKING AT ME, ASSHOLE?" Most girls are ingrained with just a touch of low self esteem, and they don't think it is cool to know who their boyfriend thinks is cute. It will eat away at their brains forever, and they will always compare themselves to that person, always. Your girlfriend doesn't tell you who she thinks is cute, because she doesn't want to make you feel like that.

I don't really tell Drew when I think someone is cute, mainly cause on that rare occasion, the dude is usually just some Irish guy with a huge beard who kinda looks like him anyway, so it is not so much attraction as accidently grabbing the wrong breadplate at the restaurant cause they all look the same. I feel tricked or unobservant more than throbbing with passion over some other dude. SORRY, SORRY. I JUST ACCIDENTLY TOOK A DRINK OF YOUR SODA AND REALIZED IT IS DR. PEPPER, NOT DIET COKE. SORRY ABOUT THAT. THEY LOOKED EXACTLY ALIKE.

Drew never has really mentioned that he thinks other girls are cute, either... It probably wouldn't bug me out too bad. But so help me if some chick tries to talk to him, though... BITCHES!! DOCTOR NATALIE, D.D.S WILL SEE YOU IN HER OFFICE NOW!! SHE'S GOT OL' LEFTY AND OL' RIGHTY READY TO DO A NICE, QUICK, DOWNHOME TOOTH EXTRACTION... Not that I have have ever had to go all whoop-ass on a ho, since any chicks who are bold and tacky enough to hit on him are met with his response, which is comparable to that of tepid pudding at the salad bar, but whatever.

If you make a commitment to someone, and it doesn't seem like they like talking about the "other goods on the shelf", then maybe you should relax on it, cause she's probably just not cool with it. Talking about other options when you are in a committed relationship just makes people feel insecure, and like their current relationship is temporary, regardless of how long you've been together.

You can send Ask Natalie questions to asknatalie(at)nataliedee.com, appropriately enough.


So, scuttlebutt on the Internet is that I am a cat-hater. I did that chat experiment, and more than a couple people prefaced their instant messages with YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME CAUSE I LIKE CATS. That's basically the most rondo thing I have ever heard anyone say...errr, type? Read what they typed? Whatever.

Then I saw some cat website talking about how terrible I was, hatin' cats all over the place. I'm not gonna link to them, cause I don't send traffic to shit I don't actually like, but you can rest assured that the conversation was rondo.

It is true, I am not particularly fond of cats. I am allergic to them, so, of course, I don't like hanging out with them. When I do, the mucus flows from my face in rivulets. Then, the next morning, I can't open my eyes because they are mucused shut. This weighs heavily on my opinion of them. When I am in a situation where I am around cats, I find them antisocial. I also know many people with cat scars on themselves, and can't think of a single one with dog scars (except, maybe, my friend who worked at the dog daycare. If your job is to break up dog fights, shit happens.) I am not saying dogs never bite, but cats draw blood a little too easily.

SWAT! One swat and your nailbed and cuticle are sliced in two. I am not making stuff up, this is something that actually happened to me. Wait, I forgot to mention about how I had to disengage the cat from my nailbed prior to tending to my wounds. But it was trying to play! The kitty was trying to play with my fingers! CUTE!! Dogs don't nonchalantly maul you.

I don't want to hear a bunch of cat people trying to convince me that cats are somehow awesome... This is my opinion, and the cake of my opinion is iced by the fact that cats actually make me physically ill. There is nothing that is going to change my opinion about this. I was almost swayed by the idea of hypoallergenic cats, of cats that look like pugs, sometimes kittens are cute, etc etc, but I would never in a million years have one of my own. Even if it was hypoallergenic, cause those fuckers claw, and I think it is inhumane to declaw them.

Cats and I just aren't friends.

In the big ol' rondo world of the Internet, disliking something means you are out to systematically destroy whatever it is, though, so messageboard reetees keep painting me as some cat Hitler or something. Disliking cats doesn't mean that I HATE YOUR CAT. I am not trying to begrudge you your cat. I have friends with cats, and when I visit them, I do not torment and torture the cat. I just ignore them, and they ignore me, because they are antisocial. Disliking lentils doesn't make me hate vegans. Not wanting to ride a motorcyle does not make me hate Harley dudes. If I don't like something you like, it just means that my preferences do not lie on the same side as yours. We are not automatically mortal enemies. Looking at things that way is why the world is as fucked up as it is.

Sometimes, people just like different stuff.

I dislike cats, so I don't usually think about them. Frankly, this is probably the most I have ever thought about them, writing this thing out. I dislike them, so I think about them about as much as I think about techno music or jogging or watching romantic comedies. Once in awhile, I draw a picture of 'em, cause I like drawing pictures of animals. That is the extent of it.

The End

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