People and their poop/Videogames03/17/09

ASK NATALIE

Q: My boyfriend is Swedish. I don't speak the language but I'm learning and can speak a little. When listening to people speaking Swedish I can pick up a few words in their sentences and get a general idea of what they are saying. Anyways, I absolutely love when he talks dirty to me in Swedish, even though I don't fully understand what he's saying. It really gets me off. He is always happy to do it but sometimes laughs and says he doesn't really get the appeal. And neither do I!

Is that weird? Why would something that I don't fully understand, turn me on so much? Is there such thing as a language/cultural fetish?

A: Maybe... I think that part of the attraction to people who speak a different language is that they seem exotic. Once you know what they are saying, you realize they are saying the same dumb shit that everyone else says when they are doing it.

I don't think anyone really understand why certain things turn them on. If people's peccadillos were easily explained and worked through, you wouldn't have dudes laying under toilet seats, waiting for you to poop in their mouths.

Q: I really like the idea of becoming a fitness model. I am just not sure if this is a really stupid idea. I'm 24, in good shape, and in a graduate program, and likely go to go onto do a PhD. I don't know if fitness modeling will a) make me seem unprofessional and b) make my body unattractive to other people!

A: I think if you want to do it, you should just go ahead and do it. You don't have to put it on your professional resume or anything. If people think rippedness is unattractive, who cares. It's not like you're going to be going to the office in muscle shirts.

Q: My boyfriend and I have a pretty excellent sex life. We have a lot of fun, and everything is pretty much fair game. This includes various forms of anal play. A couple weeks ago, I snuck a finger up there and realized afterward, when I went to the bathroom, that there was shit on it. I just washed real good and never said anything, because he would have been mortified, and had the situation been reversed, I would have appreciated the understanding. I figured it was a one time thing and that he just didn't realize he had stuff in there ready to go that night. However, its been happening subsequently, every time I try, and the same thing happens. It never did before.

Recently, he asked me what exactly a hemorrhoid is (I am a nurse). I told him, and he said he think he might have one. I have never actually seen what he is talking about, but he says he can feel it in the shower. He is acting like it's no big deal, because really, one hemorrhoid usually isn't. They usually resolve on their own, but I am wondering if something else is going on due to the *other* problem he doesn't even realize he has. A rectum is NOT typically a holding vesicle. Something's going on. My question for you is: How do I tell him that I think he should talk to his doctor? If I tell him the whole story, he is going to be horrified, he really gets embarrassed about any bodily function that is butt related. Part of me wants to just ask one of the MDs where I work, but a bigger part doesn't want to discuss this with colleagues. How should I approach this?

A: I think that, if you know someone well enough that you are sticking your finger in his butthole on a very regular basis, you should be able to talk about the issue with him. Also, how embarrassed could someone be about butt-related functions when he is letting you finger him all the time, and talks to you about his hemorrhoids? Honestly.

That being said, you are right about crap not getting stored in your rectum, but crap goes through it, so it is probably not sparkling clean in there. I mean, they make butt douche for a reason, right? I would just tell him to see the doctor about his hemorrhoid, since it is his first one, so he can be sure that is what is going on. The doctor will stick his finger in your dude's butt when he sees him about that, and if the doctor gets such a poopy finger back that he needs to double-check that ass, then your dude will be in the right place.

Seriously, though, if I was looking for a little poop, the first place I would look would be in the butt. I don't really think there is reason to be so shocked about it. Certainly not so shocked as to talk to coworkers about it.

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Yikes, that was a lot of poop talk.

Anyway, my thing lately has been taking baths. I am not trying to imply that I previously did not bathe, I am talking about extra-curricular bathing.

A few times a week, I will fill the tub up and sit in it for an hour or so. It is pretty relaxing. Sometimes I will put a masque on or something. I don't usually put any bubbles or anything in the water, cause I sit in it for a long time, and soaking in chemicals for a long time doesn't seem like a cool idea. It also makes the tub all scummy.

I will sit in the tub and think up ideas for inventions and stuff. I am not going to tell you my invention ideas, cause I am not trying to make a million dollars for y'all. Sometimes I will listen to the neighbors yelling in their yards about stuff. I will drink Diet Coke, sometimes with some saltines. I will read Judith Martin books. You know, just chill out and whatever. Sometimes I will try to have yelling conversations between the upstairs and downstairs.

Mainly I play Animal Crossing, though. Sadly, it seems like everybody else has moved on from playing Animal Crossing since last time I played regularly. I guess they got a different game, or are playing it on the Wii or something. Last time I played, I was able to dig up other people and get their friend codes and stuff, but I haven't had much luck. Also, Drew lost his DS, so I can't get anything good from him. That's how it goes when you play the same 3 or 4 games sporadically, rather than moving on with your life, but whatever.

The thing is, I don't really like videogames very much. I like puzzle games like Tetris or Zoo Keeper, and real easy stuff like Cooking Mama. Drew has one of those fancy Playstations, and I don't even want to touch that thing. He plays Grand Theft on it, and I just can't make that game go. I can't figure out all the buttons, and the huge 3D world you have to play in is confusing, so I either just kinda go jogging, or I get a car and drive it regular, and try not to ding it up. No missions for me, thanks. I think I have only played it twice, though. Once when he was playing the San Andreas one, and one time with the newer one.

Anyway, I think that my reason for writing this was to see if anyone wanted to share friend codes and give me some good fruit in Animal Crossing. I have pears, so if anyone wants to hook me up with different kinds of fruit, and maybe some coconuts or something, that would be pretty awesome. Perhaps you have a nice shirt, or wallpaper perhaps. I bet I can find a clown nose or luche mask for you, or, like I mentioned, some of my native pears. Just email me at that email address up there under the big red logo. EDIT: IT APPEARS THE WIFI ON MY DS IS MESSED UP, SO I WILL HAVE TO MEET-N-GREET IN VIDEOGAMELAND AT SOME FUTURE DATE. LIKE, AFTER I FIX THE ISSUE, OR GET A NEW DS.

ALSO DON'T FORGET MY NEW SHIRTS! Some sizes are running low, and some other shirts are on their way out for good, so check it if you are into that kind of thing!!

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