Nonholio AKA The Poop Blog11/20/08

Hellooooo, guys.

How are things with you? Everything here is exciting as hell.... I have been sitting on the couch, taking care of a baby, and lactating. Or, rather, attempting to force myself to lactate, since I've added "failure to lactate" to my catalog of humiliation and indignity. I am even on drugs for it.

ANYWAY, if you aren't in the mood to hear about the baby, then tough cookies, cause that is what I am gonna blog about right now. I don't really intend to blog about babies all the time, cause that shit is boring as fuck, but at the moment, I am still ass-deep in getting my baby-rearing sea legs, so it is taking up a lot of the mental space that usually is taken up by other stuff.

The main thing going on with the baby right now is crazy ass issues. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, THE BABY'S BUTT IS ALL MESSED UP. At the moment, she has gas like a trucker on a cross-country haul who hasn't had anything to eat except Rax and Roy Rogers and Flamin' Hot Fritos. It is disgusting. I don't mean that her little tummy hurts from her little baby gas bubbles. I mean that she is cutting mad cheese, and it is LOUD and it SMELLS ATROCIOUS. She had a doctor's appointment today and I brought up the gas, and the doctor was like OH, YOU'LL HAVE THAT. Then, when he went to do a diaper-zone check (I don't know what he is checking for) she cut another rank one and he was like OH SHE DOES HAVE GAS. No shit.

Speaking of No Shit... One of the joys of having a premature baby is that you pretty much can't give them any kind of medication at all. None. Now, day to day, this doesn't make much difference, but occasionally, you would really like to be able to give them a little something to make their day better, particularly if it is the third or forth day in a row without pooping, and the baby is all screw-faced, screaming with her knees pulled up at her chest. You know, on days like that you really wish you could give them a little babylax. No dice. You can't even give her any juice, or Karo syrup, freaking water, or anything non-medicated that they suggest for baby constipation.

No, the only thing you can do if you have a tiny baby who cannot crap is to give them the ol' thermometer treatment. What you do is take their temperature rectally, and then they get so mad they shit. Unfortunately, we have one of those in-the-ear digital thermometers, which doesn't work the same. So we had to go with the alternative, which is to rub their butt with a Vasaline'd Q-tip. (I am not making this up, it is a real technique. Feel free to look up "newborn constipation q-tip.")

Moving on, the other night Nona was having a literal shit fit, screaming and clenching and generally freaking out after having not crapped in days and days and days. I was frantically researching things I could do when I came across the Q-tip technique. It sounded questionable, so I put it off, giving Nona the deadline of pooping before bedtime, or she was getting the treatment. Bedtime came, no poop, so I enlisted Drew, who is a pretty cool and collected guy, to give me a hand with the proceedings. We planned ahead, taking the cover off the waterproof changing pad, laying down a thick layer of paper towels, turning on the space heater so Nona wouldn't get so cold she started clenching up when it mattered most, and stripping her down to nothing at all to avoid ruining one of the few preemie outfits I was able to find in Columbus, Ohio. Then we lubed up the Q-tip.

We followed the instructions, and nothing happened... then, stuff started happening! She basically unloaded a giant pile onto the paper towels. We felt like a couple geniuses. We moved the paper towels out from under her butt, to the designated shitbag, and then she crapped again. And again. She dropped the King Kong of baby shit piles. It was pretty spectacular.

I never thought I would have to devise ways to make another person poop, or feel so accomplished when I did, but there you go. When all was said and done, the kid was completely content and relaxed, and I got to pry myself from the wall I had climbed listening to her freak out. She's really quiet when she is not all backed up, so I was pleased to get her back to normal, even if the process was so wrong.

I am Nonholio! I need Q-tips for my bunghole!

Aside from the butt situation, Nona is a pretty cool lady. She basically chills out all day. She isn't too tough to deal with, as long as you are paying attention and make sure her needs are met pretty promptly, she doesn't even cry that much. If she's not hungry or wet or lonely, she just chills out looking at stuff or sleeps. I am pretty sure she is taking mental notes for when she finally starts talking, so she can start making fun of everyone.



So, in case you are wondering about this year's Christmas season, here goes...

International cats, you need to place your order by Tuesday, November 25th. This ensures that our shipping people will be able to get your order to you before Christmas, no matter where on earth you live. Sometimes things get to where you are pretty quickly, but we need to plan for post office hangups and all that. If you order on or before November 25th, your Christmas gifts will arrive with plenty of time for you to wrap 'em up in a pretty bow and give them to your friends/family/significant others/insignificant others.

US people, your deadline for Christmas orders will be December 12th. As long as you beat this deadline, your Christmas will go by without a hitch as well. Orders placed after the deadline will still be mailed as quickly as they normally would, they just might not make it to your house in time for the holidays. There will be no downtime this year after Christmas as there has been in years past, so feel free to stop by the store and see what we have left after the Christmas clusterfuck, cause the store will remain open through the holidays and beyond...


I don't mean to bring Christmas up before Thanksgiving like this, since that is pretty irritating, but this site has viewers from all over the world, and it just takes longer to ship stuff to the far flung corners, you dig?

Love, Natalie

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