THIS JUST IN...01/08/08

So, I got a bunch of emails the past few days asking what, exactly, is in a Pinwheel (see last blog post, ok). I wrote to my sister, who took forever to write me back, since she thought I was MAKING FUN OF HER PINWHEELS. Come on, dude. Who do you think I am? I make fun of stuff, yes, but I do not make fun of people I know, or even mention specifics about people I know for fear of nobody wanting to talk to me ever again. I figure, if I don't ever use people I know as material, nobody will ever get mad at me for using them as material. Right? Right.

ANYWAY, after explaining to my sister that I was not making fun of her Pinwheels, I was just making fun of the fact that I will spend three days cooking Thanksgiving dinner, then she will show up with those Pinwheels and I may as well have made a Swanson's frozen family lasagna or something. I also assured her that I am sure the Pinwheels are delicious, it was merely my own disinterest in cream cheese that dissuaded me from eating them ever.

Okeedoke, then... Without further ado, the contents of a Pinwheel:

2 Packages of Cream Cheese (yikes!)
2 Tablespoons of Hot Sauce
1/2 cup of shredded Mexican Cheese (I think she is talking about the Kraft stuff.)
3 Green Onions
1 can of Green Chilis
1/2 of a Red Pepper

Now, she didn't really tell me anything else, so I will complete the recipe by deductive reasoning... I think what happens after you get all those ingredients together is that you mix it all up, spread it on some kind of pinkish-orange tortillas (sundried tomato flavored, perhaps) roll those sons of bitches up, and slice them into the legendary Pinwheels.

Even though she did not send me a complete recipe, she did assure me that my "fans would love them." So there you go, guys. Y'all are gonna love Pinwheels, so have at. If you would like to make them, take some pictures, and try them out for me, please feel free. If your pictures are good, I may post a follow up here.

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So, you may have heard Drew mention us moving in a blog post of his a month or two ago... The sewer system in our old place puked shit into the basement one time too many (FYI-- puking shit one time after having the puking shit fixed once is my limit.) Turns out, tree roots were growing through everything, and all the lines in the yard were all busted up with tree roots and worms and who knows what else. SHOELACES, they found shoelaces. Worms and shoelaces and roots and, apparently, a sewer system that was a timebomb.

The old place was SUPERFICIALLY ok, I mean, people would come over think it looked alright and not realize it was a shit-spewing death trap.

Everything that could be fucked up, was. All of the outlets in the house were ungrounded (except for the ungrounded outlets that had outlet covers that made it LOOK like those outlets were grounded, you know, that third little hole is just for LOOKS, it doesn't need to have anything going on behind it.) If you touched anything that was plugged in, you would get shocked. There was 12 feet of ductwork between the (gas) furnace and the first airfilter, so that 12 foot section of ductwork was COMPLETELY PACKED SOLID with dust. Did I mention also that the furnace had not been serviced since prior to my own birth? Yes. It is a miracle that tinderbox didn't go up and we were not roasted in our sleep.

Don't even get me started on the not-life threatening stuff, like no wall anchors used anywhere that towel bars or anything was hung, so if you touched anything, it would fall out of the wall. Or the overflow drain not being attached to the tub, so all the water was flowing directly into the basement. Or how none of the kitchen countertops were nailed down to the cabinets beneath. Or how the stove didn't work, and the cord to the dishwasher made the drawers next to it unusable, since the cord blocked the drawer tracks, and then the dishwasher broke too. It was almost like they were building the house, and some dumbass walked by and was like "OH, HEY GUYS, I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BUILDING ANYTHING, LET ALONE A HOUSE, BUT I WILL TAKE OVER FROM HERE," and the construction workers were like, "ALRIGHT, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME, DUDE. GO FOR IT!!"

Shit. Where was I going with this before I went off on how shitty the old place was....? Oh, yeah. The old place was shitty, so we moved.

In the new place, there is some sort of fixture or eave or something outside that I have yet to locate, which, when the wind blows at a certain speed or from a certain direction, makes a noise like a child being horribly tortured. I have heard the wind making the screaming noise a few times before, and it always startles me. Today, I was dustmopping around, and was standing by what must be the closest spot in the house to whatever makes that noise, and the wind screamed through the eaves, and I almost shit. It was so fucking loud.

So, yeah, I was gonna complain about how the new house screams at me like a tortured child, cause that is pretty heinous, but after ranting about the old place it seems kind of charming in comparison. So, carry on, new place. Carry on.
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