A theory.08/13/06

So, a few months ago, I cleaned out my bookmarks and removed all the news sites I used to read. Reading the news all the time was really cutting into my feeling-good-about-humanity reserves, what with constant bad news about shitty people all the freaking time. Also, I was pretty tired about reading news blogs that would go into panics every single day about every single news item, like collectively hyperventilating would really do anything about the situation in the Middle East (or anywhere else for that matter.) So, no more internet news for me, I like to keep my crippling anxiety to a minimum.

Now when I am on the internet, I look at gossip blogs instead of news sites. I don't even watch TV or movies that often, or listen to pop music or any of that stuff, but I still read them. Where as before, my brain was teeming with images of tortured Iraqi prisoners and suffering children, I have now replaced about 60% of those images with ones of Fergie peeing her pants. I feel a lot better, it has worked out better than that one time I was on Zoloft.

The big thing on a lot of these sites is Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby. Everyone is very mad that they can't look at it. Very very mad. Some people are talking like maybe there is something wrong with it, or maybe it ran away already or something. I came up with my own theory.

I don't' think the baby ever existed at all. I don't think the baby ever existed because I think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are the same person.


Now look at this:

Uh-huh. Just think about it... You never see them in the same place, do you?



Q: I've been going out with my boyfriend for a little over two years now and we've been living together for a little over one year. We're still in college and I'm 21 and he's 23. So we're pretty serious about the relationship, but we're planning on getting married when we can afford such a thing.

We talk about kids and kid names and he wants to name our first son James. I don't have a problem with the actual name, but he is naming this kid after his father and grandfather, who are both alcoholic jerks. The name will not doom a boy to alcoholism, but I just don't feel like his dad and grandfather deserve to have anything named after them.

A: Well, first off, I think it is pretty silly to spend time fighting over what you are going to name your kids, when there are no kids in the picture at all to begin with. Secondly, even though you have been dating him for 2 years and I am sure that makes you feel like you are a permanent fixture in your boyfriend's life, you really don't have any right to badmouth his family. If your boyfriend is able to see good qualities in his father and grandfather, and would want to pass their name over to his own children despite any mistakes they made, then who are you to tell him otherwise?

The fact of the matter is, his family is his family, regardless of how you feel about it. Making this an issue is really inconsiderate, and making this an issue when it is totally inconsequential anyway is asinine. Quit disrespecting your boyfriend and his family, because it is really none of your business. If he can see beyond negative things that have happened in his life and wants to honor tradition by giving his children a name that has been in his family, it would be extremely shitty for you to try to disparage that tradition. But since you haven't really been dating long, and you don't even have any kids to begin with, it seems like you are just trying to invent things to fight about.

Q: If you've seen or heard of these "scene" or "emo" boys that wear girls jeans. They're generally worn pretty tight. It's kind of cute. I just wanted to know what your opinion was about these scenster boys.

A: I'm sure they are friendly or whatever, but I usually like guys who have too much going on to wear tight girls' pants, if you know what I mean wink wink.
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