The grand opening of my new blog. Our special treat for today is Egg.05/11/06

Hey, blog readers!! Here is my new blog thing!

I know I make fun of the blogs. This thing is not really like a blog, it is more like my old Diaryland site, only I do not have to pay for it, and it is a part of my website, instead of on some other site. I am just gonna write on this thing, right, and not so much log my web.

So, a few months ago, I started doing my grocery shopping at Whole Foods. I switched stores because I was tired of buying rancid food at Giant Beagle. Everything was rancid- the produce, the meat, I even bought some moldy flatbread there once. Gross. Whole Foods is kinda expensive, but not as expensive as having to rebuy everything. I would rather buy a slightly expensive pot roast than buy a regular priced one and get it home to find that the bottom half of it is gray. I'm just saying.

The Whole Foods near my house sells all kinds of eggs. The have the regular eggs, and brown eggs, but then they have a bunch of fucked up eggs, too. Little teeney quail eggs!! Duck eggs! Goose eggs! Ostrich eggs! Emu eggs! It is kinda creepy and a little bit gross! I've taken to calling this the egg bar, I am not sure what it is really called. I'm not even sure if they have it in other Whole Foods (in my head, I just pronounced that WHOLE FOODSES, in case you were wondering). My pal Steve made it sound like maybe they didn't. Or maybe they just don't have egg bars where he's from.

In any case, I have poor impulse control, so I dropped a jackson on an emu egg. I chose this egg because it was the largest (at the time- they did not have the ostrich eggs when I bought my emu egg), and it also looked like there would maybe be a dinosaur in it. I had to put the egg in its own special little metal basket, and then the cashier triple wrapped it and put it in a little bag.

Now I am gonna tell you guys about cooking this fucker, and also show you pictures of how that went down...

Here is the egg. Please note that the first picture is a dude holding the egg, not a small-handed lady. Also, the pan I cooked it in was freaking huge, some kind of big ass saute pan.

I was going to make a massive fried egg. I thought it would look pretty cool, and it is also my 2nd favorite way to have eggs. My favorite is poached eggs, but I had no idea how to poach a massive egg.

So, I preheated and Pam-ed my pan, and tried to break the egg on the edge of it. That did not work at all. I was afraid to knock it on the counter, cause the egg weighed a ton and probably would have chipped the tile. So I just bashed it on a plate until it cracked. It cracked the wrong way (across the shell long-way instead of short-way) and then I had to pry it apart with my fingers. I put the egg in the pan, and the motherfucking yolk broke.

Mmmmm! Scrambled eggs, then! So I whipped that shit up, and scrambled it. It took a really long time. The first thing I noticed was that when the egg cooked, it started to smell pretty bad. Kinda like eggs + cheesy BO smell.

By time I was finished cooking it, I was totally grossed out and definitely not going to eat it. I offered it to Drew, but he declined. I tried to put some hot sauce on it, cause sometimes I like eggs like that, but it wasn't happening. I really did not expect it to be so rank. The yolk was HUGE in comparison to how much white there was, and the yolk was really light yellow. The scrambled egg looked sickly in addition to being smelly. I put it down the garbage disposal, because I was afraid that it would make my house smell bad, and that my dogs would get into the trash and spread it all over. I did not want to have to pick cold pieces of this sick egg off my floor.

I do not know what I expected. Maybe I wanted it to be a giant chicken egg, but it really wasn't. It was something nastier and funkier. Maybe I just got a bad one, I don't want to dis all the emus, but shit. That shit was pretty gross.

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