People and their poop/Videogames03/17/09
ASK NATALIE

Q: My boyfriend is Swedish. I don't speak the language but I'm learning and can speak a little. When listening to people speaking Swedish I can pick up a few words in their sentences and get a general idea of what they are saying. Anyways, I absolutely love when he talks dirty to me in Swedish, even though I don't fully understand what he's saying. It really gets me off. He is always happy to do it but sometimes laughs and says he doesn't really get the appeal. And neither do I!

Is that weird? Why would something that I don't fully understand, turn me on so much? Is there such thing as a language/cultural fetish?

 A: Maybe... I think that part of the attraction to people who speak a different language is that they seem exotic. Once you know what they are saying, you realize they are saying the same dumb shit that everyone else says when they are doing it.

I don't think anyone really understand why certain things turn them on. If people's peccadillos were easily explained and worked through, you wouldn't have dudes laying under toilet seats, waiting for you to poop in their mouths.

Q: I really like the idea of becoming a fitness model. I am just not sure if this is a really stupid idea. I'm 24, in good shape, and in a graduate program, and likely go to go onto do a PhD. I don't know if fitness modeling will a) make me seem unprofessional and b) make my body unattractive to other people!

 A: I think if you want to do it, you should just go ahead and do it. You don't have to put it on your professional resume or anything. If people think rippedness is unattractive, who cares. It's not like you're going to be going to the office in muscle shirts.

Q: My boyfriend and I have a pretty excellent sex life. We have a lot of fun, and everything is pretty much fair game. This includes various forms of anal play. A couple weeks ago, I snuck a finger up there and realized afterward, when I went to the bathroom, that there was shit on it. I just washed real good and never said anything, because he would have been mortified, and had the situation been reversed, I would have appreciated the understanding. I figured it was a one time thing and that he just didn't realize he had stuff in there ready to go that night. However, its been happening subsequently, every time I try, and the same thing happens. It never did before.

Recently, he asked me what exactly a hemorrhoid is (I am a nurse). I told him, and he said he think he might have one. I have never actually seen what he is talking about, but he says he can feel it in the shower. He is acting like it's no big deal, because really, one hemorrhoid usually isn't. They usually resolve on their own, but I am wondering if something else is going on due to the *other* problem he doesn't even realize he has. A rectum is NOT typically a holding vesicle. Something's going on. My question for you is: How do I tell him that I think he should talk to his doctor? If I tell him the whole story, he is going to be horrified, he really gets embarrassed about any bodily function that is butt related. Part of me wants to just ask one of the MDs where I work, but a bigger part doesn't want to discuss this with colleagues. How should I approach this?

 A: I think that, if you know someone well enough that you are sticking your finger in his butthole on a very regular basis, you should be able to talk about the issue with him. Also, how embarrassed could someone be about butt-related functions when he is letting you finger him all the time, and talks to you about his hemorrhoids? Honestly.

That being said, you are right about crap not getting stored in your rectum, but crap goes through it, so it is probably not sparkling clean in there. I mean, they make butt douche for a reason, right? I would just tell him to see the doctor about his hemorrhoid, since it is his first one, so he can be sure that is what is going on. The doctor will stick his finger in your dude's butt when he sees him about that, and if the doctor gets such a poopy finger back that he needs to double-check that ass, then your dude will be in the right place.

Seriously, though, if I was looking for a little poop, the first place I would look would be in the butt. I don't really think there is reason to be so shocked about it. Certainly not so shocked as to talk to coworkers about it.

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Yikes, that was a lot of poop talk.

Anyway, my thing lately has been taking baths. I am not trying to imply that I previously did not bathe, I am talking about extra-curricular bathing.

A few times a week, I will fill the tub up and sit in it for an hour or so. It is pretty relaxing. Sometimes I will put a masque on or something. I don't usually put any bubbles or anything in the water, cause I sit in it for a long time, and soaking in chemicals for a long time doesn't seem like a cool idea. It also makes the tub all scummy.

I will sit in the tub and think up ideas for inventions and stuff. I am not going to tell you my invention ideas, cause I am not trying to make a million dollars for y'all. Sometimes I will listen to the neighbors yelling in their yards about stuff. I will drink Diet Coke, sometimes with some saltines. I will read Judith Martin books. You know, just chill out and whatever. Sometimes I will try to have yelling conversations between the upstairs and downstairs.

Mainly I play Animal Crossing, though. Sadly, it seems like everybody else has moved on from playing Animal Crossing since last time I played regularly. I guess they got a different game, or are playing it on the Wii or something. Last time I played, I was able to dig up other people and get their friend codes and stuff, but I haven't had much luck. Also, Drew lost his DS, so I can't get anything good from him. That's how it goes when you play the same 3 or 4 games sporadically, rather than moving on with your life, but whatever.

The thing is, I don't really like videogames very much. I like puzzle games like Tetris or Zoo Keeper, and real easy stuff like Cooking Mama. Drew has one of those fancy Playstations, and I don't even want to touch that thing. He plays Grand Theft on it, and I just can't make that game go. I can't figure out all the buttons, and the huge 3D world you have to play in is confusing, so I either just kinda go jogging, or I get a car and drive it regular, and try not to ding it up. No missions for me, thanks. I think I have only played it twice, though. Once when he was playing the San Andreas one, and one time with the newer one.

Anyway, I think that my reason for writing this was to see if anyone wanted to share friend codes and give me some good fruit in Animal Crossing. I have pears, so if anyone wants to hook me up with different kinds of fruit, and maybe some coconuts or something, that would be pretty awesome. Perhaps you have a nice shirt, or wallpaper perhaps. I bet I can find a clown nose or luche mask for you, or, like I mentioned, some of my native pears. Just email me at that email address up there under the big red logo. EDIT: IT APPEARS THE WIFI ON MY DS IS MESSED UP, SO I WILL HAVE TO MEET-N-GREET IN VIDEOGAMELAND AT SOME FUTURE DATE. LIKE, AFTER I FIX THE ISSUE, OR GET A NEW DS.

ALSO DON'T FORGET MY NEW SHIRTS! Some sizes are running low, and some other shirts are on their way out for good, so check it if you are into that kind of thing!!

New Shirts03/09/09
Soooo, there are NEW Natalie Dee shirts in the Sharing Machine store... These shirts are a looooong time coming, since we had so many changes to the store and our shirt vendors and all that in the past year. I haven't had any new shirts for nine months, and this has been my first opportunity to take advantage of our awesome new printer.

We scoured the far corners of the earth to find the very best printer, who was able to do just about anything we were able to dream up, and do it at a competitive price. As you can see from the two examples below, these new shirts turned out TIGHT AS HELL:

The excellent, 11-color Raisins shirt...


And the resplendent I Don't Care shirt...


So, please check out these, as well as the SEVEN other new shirts on my store page. As an added bonus, I have a coupon code for my loyal blog readers... If you purchase a new shirt (or any other shirt), just enter the coupon code SPRINGTIME at checkout for 2 dollars off your order. Please note that the coupon expires Friday, March 13th.

Also, I don't mean to be boastful or anything, but I really do think these new shirts turned out especially well, and I dare you to find any other webcomic who is selling 11-color shirts for 16 bucks (13 bucks if you buy 3 or more.) We really busted our chops to be able to offer the absolute best screenprinting for the most bargain-basement price possible.

GO TO THE STORE TO SEE THESE SICK NEW SHIRTS!!!
ASK NATALIE, etc02/10/09
ASK NATALIE

Q: Where I come from, everyone thinks I'm a whore. And they're pretty much right. My reputation has gone to shit. I do regret what I've done in the past. I was young and stupid. What do you do to fix a reputation like this? I'm in a happy relationship now and I'm planning on never whoring around again. Is my reputation totally down the drain or is there something I could do so people will know I've made a conscious effort to change myself?

A: First off, you're not a whore. You weren't making scratch. Perhaps you were behaving in a slutty manner, but calling yourself a whore is a bit much.

Moving on... It's not anyone else's business what you do in your spare time. If you are not fucking someone, it is not their business who you actually are fucking. As long as you are wrapping it up, and not fucking around on someone you're in a relationship with (or who is a relationship with someone else), who cares. Nobody is talking shit about the dudes you were sleeping with being whores, are they? Acting like people being nosy and judgemental bothers you only makes them keep doing it. Hold your head high and don't let what people say about you behind your back bother you, and they will stop once their shaming doesn't hit the mark.

If people give you shit, a simple "my sex life is none of your motherfucking business" works really well. Everyone knows it's not their business. If they get nosy and you act like you care, it makes them think you are seeking their approval. If you act in an ethical manner, and don't spread disease or destroy relationships, your reputation is squeaky clean.

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You'd be surprised how little you get to tear shit up when you have an infant in the house. I have been having a hard time coming up with shit to blog about because I just haven't been getting out much, and my days have been filled with the neverending cycle of diaper-bottle-nap-play-diaper-bottle-nap-play-diaper-bottle-nap-play, day in and day out. I know at some point it will get easier, cause Nona will be old enough to do stuff, and I will be able to leave the house without loading myself up like a packhorse, but in the meantime, I am straight chilling at home. I get out to visit people, and do errands and stuff, but nothing involved cause that diaperbag shit is a bit much. I just feed the kid, change her pants, and make it a quick trip so I can get home before the next bottle/diaper. I am not complaining, I knew what I was getting into, it just doesn't feed into the whole blogging thing too well, cause it is super-difficult to make things sound fascinating.

Just about the only thing that is bugging me about this whole mom business is that I look like total shit all the time. First off, I gained about a million pounds, and being home all the time is not doing much for burning calories. Second, gaining a ton of weight, then having someone slice your abdominal muscles every which way makes things a bit more unattractive than they would be if it was just a situation where I ate too many M&Ms. I have no abdominal strength at all, and when I am standing around, I feel like I am just stacking all my weight on my spine and back, instead of getting any help holding myself up from my front. It will be fine once I find a way to fit working out into my diaper-bottle-nap-play-diaper-bottle-nap-play, and I will save my money to get a tummy tuck if that is what it comes to in a few years, but in the meantime, shit is pretty fat and droopy around these parts. I don't mean to take the shine off it, but you know I bring it to you guys all raw. SHIT IS ALL DROOPY, AND IT LOOKS LIKE A NUTSACK, OK? I said it. Now you know to make sure you are using your birth control until you never want to look good ever again. I heard an old wives' tale when I was still pregnant, that if you have a girl, she will steal your beauty, and I will be damned if those old wives weren't right.

That being said, Nona is pretty awesome! She is terminally chilled out, much like her mom. She will have days when she does not cry once, and she is pretty reliably sleeping until 8 every morning, without getting up overnight. She howls when she thinks something is funny, like aaAAH-OOOOOOOOOOOO! Like a young Pauly Shore. She is pretty shy, though. When I show her herself in the mirror, she burrows her face in my shoulder like she doesn't want that other baby to see her. She's a pretty likable kid.

Today, she got a surprise package in the mail from Chris, with shirts and pens and buttons. There is nothing Nona likes more than having cool fashions to wear, so she was pretty jazzed. Then she puked.

nona/bob dolecute with nono
Tshirt Restockin'01/14/09
We restocked a ton of our t-shirts. They're now available in men's and women's sizes S-M-L-XL. Here's the graphical guide (clicking on each shirt will take you to the detail view.)

Mexican Cable, Andrew Zimmern, ASK NATALIE01/08/09
Recently, I switched cable providers. I used to have Time Warner, but the cable channels kept going all wonky and stuttery with pixels all over, and the internet would go out periodically. I switched to the ATT cable and internet at the recommendation of the neighbor.

The quality of the internet service is yet to be deterrmined, since you can't really tell if the service blows until you get outages. The cable is pretty decent, though. There are a bunch more channels.

There are a TON of Mexican channels. I have been watching these a bunch lately. Regular cable TV channels leave a bit to be desired, since so many shows seem to cater to the lowest common denomenator, but the Mexican channels are challenging to watch, since I do not know very much Spanish. I know enough to barely know what is going on, and once in awhile someone will say something I understand completely, and I feel triumphant. I like the commercials the best, cause there is not much plot to follow. It is very easy to get lost watching something when you only inderstand every 3rd word, and the people are talking really fast.

My favorite Mexican channel is Mun2. It seems more contemporary, like MTV or something. They play music videos and stuff, and the VJs speak half-Spanish, half-English, so it is that much easier to understand what they are talking about. Anyway, we'd been watching a lot of Mun2, and every night I would be all like "Oh, lets watch Mun-Two....," "There is nothing on, change it to the Mun-Two," then I realized that the channel was not called Mun-Two at all. It is actually pronounced Mun-Dos, like a shortened form of Telemundo.

It took me like a week to put that one together. My Spanish speaking skills are enough to barely watch Mexican TV, but not nearly good enough to pick up on any wordplay at all. I guess that is something to work on.

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Have you seen Drew's and my new Ate My Balls Webring? We thought it would be real funny to start some new Ate My Balls sites, you know, cause people love repeating internet jokes so much, we ought to just bring back some really stale ones...

Unfortunately, the joke was on us, cause the feedback has lead me to believe that most of the people who've checked it out do not remember all the old Ate My Balls sites, so now it just makes us feel real fucking old. At least Andrew Zimmern likes it, that makes me feel a little better

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ASK NATALIE

Q: I read in your Dairyland blog about how you lost 60 pounds. I have about that much to lose too, but I'm mainly losing my fucking mind. I've done Weight Watchers (several times) and went insane with counting, weighing (both myself and food), and feeling shitty for eating anything-- though I did eat, and how!

So, how did you shed that 60 pounds back then? How does one lose weight without going apeshit in the meantime?

A: Well, the way I lost a whole bunch of weight was that I just never really ate anything.

I don't really have much success doing regular diets like Weight Watchers and stuff, probably mostly because I spend a lot of time doing activities that don't expend a lot of calories. I think they overestimate how many points I actually need or something, cause being generally mellow and working at home drawing pictures or doing stuff on the computer seems to expend exactly 12 calories a day.

The only way I have ever had any success losing weight, and keeping myself in reasonable condition is to eat hardly anything. I am not saying this is the most healthy way of doing it, I am just saying it works pretty well. I am currently cutting the eating back since I bloated up like a dead whale having the kid, and I refuse to buy clothes in a bigger size than what is already in my closet, so my techniques are pretty fresh in my mind.

You have to figure out a way to eat that is low in calories and junk, that doesn't drive you crazy. If it drives you crazy you won't stay on the diet long enough to lose an appreciable amount. Weighing stuff out all the time is tedious, and cooking diet food is depressing. I like cooking too much to want to use margarine in stuff, or use fat free cheese.

So, what I usually do is not eat much during the day, like 3 or 4 100-calorie meals, then I have a decent-sized serving of protein and spinach or salad for dinner. That is not much food to speak of, so I keep myself from getting hungry by eating a bunch of konjac noodles and sugar-free Fudgecicles. It works out pretty good for me, cause I keep my calories and fat and stuff real low, but I eat whenever I am hungry, and don't really have to think about it too much. I also don't obsessively weigh myself, cause I know that as long as I am eating the usual thing, I am losing weight. I do it every week at the most often, but I will sometimes go two or three weeks. You see more of a downward trend that way, instead of being discouraged by the scale making it seem like you aren't losing anything when it's just that you haven't crapped yet today.

I keep my calories and stuff low enough that I will go out to a restaurant once every week or two and just order a regular meal, or have something at a get-together if I am invited to such a thing. This makes me not feel like being on a diet is making me a social outcast. I don't totally pig out, or order dessert, and I never bring leftovers home, so the one-time not-diet meal does not stretch into three meals. Being a little bit flexible with yourself and having a nice restaurant meal or something to look forward to makes it easier to not eat much the rest of the time.

Keep in mind that I'm not a doctor or anything!! Totally not a medical professional at all... I don't know how active you are, if you're runnng around a lot, you might pass out if you eat what I do on a normal day. If you are teeny-short and real inactive, you might gain weight. You gotta figure out what works for you. This is just what works the best for me without making me go nuts.

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